After an affair is discovered, a popular intervention is to seek marriage counseling. These days, there are many choices to consider when selecting the marriage counseling that is right for you in the aftermath of an affair. You have choices of online marriage counseling or face-to-face marriage counseling.
There is also the choice of whether you want the counselor to be oriented to your value system, such as a Christian counselor or one that is accepting of whatever you choose to believe or express yourself.
Then you have the choice of experienced versus inexperienced marriage counselors. You may also want someone from a similar background to better identify with the world you live in.
These are just some of the decisions you may consider. Although the professional groups will tell you that all of their people are qualified and competent, it is like saying all certified mechanics are qualified.
They are qualified, but some of those ‘qualified’ mechanics, I would not want working on my car. When it comes to something as personal as family, you will want to consider who you are entrusting your secrets to.
Once the marriage counseling begins, you will face the challenges of whether or not everyone is being honest. Honest not only in terms of what they say, but also in terms of what they promise to do.
Some couples are ready for counseling and are willing to ‘do the work’. The counselor often exposes problems or dysfunctions, yet it is still up to the two of you to take action on those matters.
If you are expecting the counselor to magically fix everything without you leaving your comfort zone, you’ll be in for some unpleasant surprises.
The counselor will help you see your marriage and how the two of you have been dealing with each other in new ways. They may also help in opening up communication.
The problem with opening up communication is that once the two of you start really talking with each other, you and they will have to face things that you may have been avoiding for a long time.
When communication opens up, some unpleasant issues arise. Some of you may have been avoiding such issues for years. The affair may have been a way of distracting the two of you from those unpleasant issues.
When it comes to affairs, the affair is often symptomatic of other problems in the marriage relationship. Those issues will need to be dealt with. If you entered counseling expecting it to ONLY deal with punishing and shaming the cheater, you will be disappointed.
If your interactions with each other are genuine, as change starts happening it impacts everyone. As you begin dealing with the affair, the associated issues may touch on secrets and issues from your past and your spouse’s past. The counseling steps on toes as the two of you engage each other in new ways.
If you were expecting the visit to the marriage counselor to be like going to the principal’s office, where you get to the ‘bottom of things’ and somebody gets punished, you will be disappointed.
Counseling does not work like that. Sure, there is a sense of relief at finally getting out many of the thoughts and emotions that you have held inside for a long time.
There is also discovery of new aspects, new needs and unfamiliar territory between you and your spouse. Some people freak out at having to face such unfamiliar territory.
As you and your spouse show each other more of who you really are, there will be some awkward moments where you will be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is awkward for many people, and often takes some getting used to.
The affair is often only the ‘tip of the iceburg’ triggering changes in your life.
In the ‘Affair Recovery Workshop“, I’ve assembled a collection or powerful, proven interventions and insights in order to help you and your spouse make your marriage better. You’ll learn ways of getting past the defensiveness, when to bring up sensitive issues, ways of improving the intimacy in your relationship and other relationship enhancing skills.
The workshop is designed to start making changes in you and your marriage. Just click the link, fill out the form and start the changes in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
