A common event I witness in working with couples is that the adulterer confesses what they did and the resolute spouse immediately forgives them. The adulterer experiences a sensation of relief and actually believes that dealing with the affair incident is done.
Several weeks or months later, the adulterer feels that resolute spouse is nagging and obsessive about the affair, citing that they “won’t let it go.” They feel that the resolute spouse is “beating a dead horse”. They are both exasperated and wanting to put things behind them.
When such scenarios happen, I am reminded of LBJ’s tactics in dealing with people. Yes, I know that he was an adulterer as well. Through his experiences, he learned about people. One lesson he learned is to “let things sink in”. Before giving someone a gift or reward, he would often bring them into his office and chastise them. He said things to bring them down. After they were demoralized enough, he let it sink in a little more. It was only after he let things sink in that he gave them the gift. They were very appreciative and elated with the gift. He commented (paraphrase), you never want to give a man a gift when he is up, you first have to get him down. When you give a man a gift when he is down, he appreciates it more.
Couples going through affairs could learn from this. When the adulterer confesses, let the pain sink in. Let them wallow in the pain. In doing so, the remorse sets in. Only after they get in touch with the pain and the reality sinks in should the resolute spouse forgive them. I see people too willing to forgive too early. The early forgiveness does not allow the pain to sink in and complete the work it needs to do. Once forgiven, the infidel rights believes that their dealing with the affair is done. They have confessed their wrong and are now forgiven. The forgiveness, like the gifts of LBJ, needs to be timed to allow for maximum effectiveness.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
