Today I need a word with the betrayer. As you and your spouse start addressing recovery from what happened, you may hear some variation of “How could I be so stupid?”
This happens when your spouse, who feels betrayed starts beating themselves up for not seeing signs of trouble before hand. At that point, they are blaming themselves.
If your response is reassuring them that they aren’t stupid, you’ve missed the point. Your listening skills failed you in this instance.
Reassuring them of their intelligence is not what’s needed at those moments. If anything such reassurances will likely be taken as a put down.
You can find yourself embroiled in an argument where you really don’t have a clue. This reveals a blind spot concerning relationships and how your actions impact your spouse.
The comment about being stupid has to do with some flagrant display you made during the affair. You did something that left them feeling stupid or foolish.
Their comment is about something you did that offended them in a major way. Consider asking what you said or did that left them feeling bad about themselves.
Typically, when your flagrant displays are in public, there is a greater likelihood of it leaving your spouse feeling stupid or foolish.
You need to take responsibility for what you did, and they need to take responsibility for their reactions. In this case, your actions had an unintended secondary consequence you never considered.
Healing will not start happening until responsibility is taken.
There will also not be any healing until you clearly and unambiguously end the affair. It has to be over in clear and certain ways. Any fuzziness or leaving doors open only delays healing from starting.
If you don’t know where to start with recovering from what you did, consider the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery”. It will help you know what steps to take in starting the recovery process for you and your spouse.
Your marriage is worth making changes for.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
