A recent article from Nigeria about Ty’Nell Cherry-Lindsay brings attention to a couple of important questions. Those two questions are ones that I hope that none of you ever have to consider.
The first one concerns the question of staying or going when your spouse starts being abusive. The 38-year old mother of two, Ty’Nell stated, “One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder. A person that truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is. Remember couples that are meant to be, are the ones who go through everything that is meant to tear them apart, and come out even stronger. ”
Ty’Nell made an important observation when identifying that the decision of whether to walk away or put more effort into your marriage is a hard one. Those kinds of choices don’t give you an easy way out.
If you’re accustomed to soft, easy, no-conflict solutions, there aren’t any. There is no path of least resistance. Often the lack of no-conflict outs can leave you feeling so desperate you start considering violence as a solution.
When you lose your voice and feel desperate, there’s a temptation to let your hands or screaming voice do the talking.
In her situation violence had become part of her marriage. Her husband claimed that the violence had been going on for three years. When violence happens and becomes ‘normalized’ the healthy forms of communication stop.
Violence imposes solutions rather than finding what works. With violence you can make things happen, yet it has a high price. Part of that price is losing healthy communication with your spouse.
Ty’Nell ended up being killed by her husband. The violence in their marriage escalated and got out of hand.
The second concern is that of the dangers of giving marital advice. When you start speaking plainly about affairs and affair related issues, some people react with anger. St. Paul experienced this which led to his famous question in Galatians 4 “Do I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?”
I know as a counselor that I’ve had family members stalking me related to having tole them a truth they didn’t like. It happens. Some people are angered at hearing plain truth.
The most intense anger often erupts in reaction to hearing the truth.
This means the when the time comes to speak the plain truth, you need to be careful, especially if your marriage has a history of violence. The more the violence in the past, the greater the danger that comes with speaking out.
The principles I lay out in the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” show you ways of approaching tough topics. Ty’Nell never considered the possibility that her life would end when she confronted her spouse with accusations of an affair.
You shouldn’t have to live in fear of speaking the truth. One way of moving past the fear is by using techniques that reduce the drama, threats and danger.
What you say and how you say it matters. Just following the wording recipe you find in the self-help books is not enough.
There are ways of getting your spouse’s attention without threats and violence by either of you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
