In a follow-up to yesterday’s email, I thought it would be appropriate to look at the question of “What happens when the cheater refuses accepting responsibility for what they did?”
Refusing to accept responsibility for what happened or even only taking partial responsibility disrupts the communication between husband and wife. It leaves the betrayed spouse with the greater load of emotional pain.
One reader expressed it as “[his avoiding responsibility] makes me *wrong* for feeling worried just gives him more self justification to continue his selfish behavior“. It can leave you feeling like you’re the one who’s unbalanced for expecting them to be responsible.
It creates a cycle of self-condemnation where one party continues blaming themselves and the feels more and more justified in what they did. This is an unhealthy cycle that spirals out of control.
His refusing of responsibility leaves his wife with a load of hurt. If she dares bring up her pain or concerns, she gets the evil eye.
The pain of the affair will settle on your marriage. You can’t ignore or escape it by running away.
When the cheater avoids responsibility for the affair, it puts the pain on you, whether or not you did anything.
This is where you may feel burdened or guilty or wrong, even though you did nothing wrong. Their avoidance makes you the ‘bad guy’ for even bringing up the affair. Although there’s a huge elephant of a problem in your marriage, they don’t want to discuss the obvious.
When the cheater refuses accepting responsibility, it keeps your relationship dysfunctional. It keeps unhealthy patterns in place.
Getting healthy requires each of you accept responsibility for your part in what led to the affair. The longer it’s put off requires exponentially more time for healing. Those extra few days or weeks become added weeks and months added to healing time.
You can learn more about what’s needed in the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”. It guides you through what to talk about and dealing with your spouse’s defensiveness.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
5 Responses
This is actually easy to answer. If they refuse to take responsibility for their actions, get a lawyer!
Anonymous,
There are definitely times for lawyers. When a spouse refuses taking responsibility and listening to you. The next step is confronting with the help of others, when they still refuse the internal appeals, using the law is next. It may be courts or church or some other law. After that comes law enforcement. Although this sounds extreme, some spouse refuse listening to the other approaches.
Your answer is short, sweet, to the point and very accurate in some cases. I just hate bringing lawyers in too early, although I know it is often necessary.
I am not a big advocate of divorce. But if one commits the single biggest betrayal in a marriage then refuses to accept responsibility, not much there to work with. Adultery is most often abusive. From what I have lived and seen, we are mentally attacked. One questions their own sanity. The cheater trashed you and trashed you to anyone who will listen. Expose you to diseases. So if they continue with gaslighting and casting blame, not anything left to work with.
Anonymous,
Good hearing from you. Once again, you bring up some points worth taking note of. When the cheater doesn’t give you much to work with, it limits your options. Not having options or seeing them creates an environment of desperation.
In many cases there are mental attacks. I believe the attacks are also spiritual and emotional as well. It’s no wonder that betrayed spouses feel hammered, with attacks happening in several dimensions of their marriage relationship. That hammering from one that you love and are vulnerable to makes the damage more severe. When I conducted a survey of those recovering from affairs, a concerning number of marriages also included physical attacks as well.
Casting blame and gaslighting creates distance. It pushes you away as does rejection.
It’s no wonder the betrayed question their own sanity. The world they thought they were living in is gone. The relationship they thought they had no longer exists. Since these are foundations for stability, when they are damaged, it is traumatic. That would leave anyone questioning their own sanity.
In some cases, the cheater limits the options as a way of conveying their experience of not seeing many options either. I can’t say all cases, but I have encountered some.
Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. The betrayal followed by refusing responsibility limits your options. Every option is painful. There are no pain-free or easy choices at that time.