My wife and I often discuss writing and grammar. This may strike some of you as odd, yet both of us work in areas where communication is critical. The clearer the communication, the better. It’s not only about your message, you have to consider the words you choose and the subtleties of its use.
We each have our own ideas about how best to communicate in a written form. Since we have different writing experiences, we approach written communication from very different places. She approaches it as a businesswoman, and myself as a therapist.
Take the word ‘depression’ for instance. Is a person depressed or are they experiencing a low mood? While we’re on the topic, you can add whether or not they are depressing their emotions.
These are important distinctions. It makes a difference whether someone can’t help what they are going through or whether they are doing something that’s keeping themselves down.
These different examples illustrate whether depression is something the person has control over or it controls them. How you talk about depression shapes what you’re saying about it.
I mention this based on how often cheaters use the depression excuse. They claim they’re ‘depressed’ as a precursor to having an affair. Their ‘cure’ for their emotional state of depression is cheating. If you really listened to them, they are selling you on how the ‘cure’ for their depression is by having an affair.
If it’s truly depression, an affair won’t cure it. They wouldn’t have the energy to pull off an affair or have any meaningful relationship. Having a relationship requires effort. It’s something that has to be nurtured.
On the other hand, their depressed mood may be nothing more than a temper tantrum they’re having. That tantrum is about them wanting something they were told they can’t have. They’re using a depressed mood as a self-serving crisis. If they have the energy to initiate an affair, it raises some concerns.
In this case, what they can’t have is the affair. The crisis is created so that they don’t feel so guilty about finally having the affair.
Let me put it this way. When they claim they had an affair because they were depressed, you’re being played. If they were in a full-blown depression, they wouldn’t feel like having an affair. They wouldn’t feel like much of anything that requires effort on their part.
Real depression requires help. Faking depression requires calling their game. A problem that comes up with that is that you may not know ways of getting past their defenses and games.
The real question isn’t whether or not they’re depressed. The question is whether or not they are faking depression to manipulate the situation and shut down connection with you.
This is where the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People: Healing Questions” comes in. It guides you in communicating in a way that bypasses their defensiveness. It gives you ways of getting your message heard.
If you’re tired of being ignored, it could be that you just haven’t found a way of getting their attention. They may be using the depression excuse to shut down communication.
There are things you can do in getting heard. Click and download the video today and in minutes, you’ll discover ways of getting heard by your spouse.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
