A reader wrote to me with a question worth sharing. She asked, “Do you ever consider that the cheater should be more sympathetic/understanding and more willing to take responsibility?”
I responded back, “Things go best when the cheater assumes the greater responsibility in recovering from an affair. They caused it and they should be the one to take initiative in recovering from it.
Although this is the way it should work, in many couples, things don’t follow the ‘ideal’ pattern.”
For that reason, I start with whoever cares enough about the marriage to want help. They’re hurting bad enough to have the motivation for action.
The cheater plays a crucial role in the healing. You can still heal when they avoid responsibility, it takes longer and is less than ideal. Whenever situations operate outside of God’s design for marriage, things soon become more complicated.
It also creates some twists and binds that feel unnatural. Those unnatural feelings go back to someone not fulfilling their responsibilities, so the spouse has to take on what has been neglected.
When one spouse neglects responsibility, it falls to the other one. When it falls to the other spouse, there are pains and discomfort.
That pain and discomfort is related to them taking on responsibilities that the cheater should be taking on.
I explain this pain see-saw and its functioning in the Affair Recovery Workshop. If you’ve been caught on that pain see-saw you know first-hand about how the pain shifts back and forth along with responsibilities.
It will have you feeling out of control. The reality is that it’s taking you out of your comfort zone.
If you’ve been caught in that see-saw action, you’ll want to obtain your copy of the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Getting caught up in the see-saw of pain and the shifting responsibilities will make you feel out of control and awkward. Recovery takes you outside of your usual patterns.
The pain will shift back and forth. When one person takes on pain that doesn’t belong to them, it creates imbalances.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
