One of the seldom addressed issues related to affairs is the topic of soul fragments. What is at issue is that with each affair and person slept with, you loose a portion of your soul. Since the soul is intangible, the topic is not addressed in scientific literature. Although the soul is not tangible, the loss of portions of one’s soul is something that those of you suffering through an affair understand. Although the playboy philosophy encourages you to sleep with as many people as you can because you might miss a good one, the reality is that with each ‘adventure’ you are changed. They become a part of you and you become a part of them. Attachments are formed that often remain for years. Part of your soul is lost in the encounter as well. After a long string of encounters you may find yourself feeling very empty and ‘fragmented’. It is as if pieces of you have been tossed all over the countryside.
There are ways of overcoming this fragmentation. It is not a condition that has to be ‘lived with’ rather than dealt with and resolved.
Dealing with fragments is part of the price tag of affairs. Although you may dismiss it as a ‘one-night stand’ that did not mean anything, you lost part of yourself in the process. You may have adjusted to the loss and accepted it as part of what happens with an affair. Rather than continuing through life as a wounded survivor, you can take steps to restore yourself and bring restoration to your marriage.
For more on affairs, consider subscribing to my free newsletter for more insights and understanding of this area of your life.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
To me this is the Most Poigant of All & Any Issue involved in Addictions, Affairs, Porn, Fantasy etc… SOUL LOSS! The Constant Void that can’t be filled. As long as it Exist-there is NO HOPE. Married almost 40yrs-I speak from Deep Pain to have had to come to the understanding THIS is the Very Reason my marriage is Ending. With All that I have been, done, loved, sacrificed, sought help for him, me, the marriage-The Torment of a lost soul leaves no room for genuine love or healing. It is Beyond Self-Centered–IT IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE CONSUMING and seeking to fill the void at ALL COST. There will ALWAYS be deception, lies, betrayal, & blame. It took 35 yrs for my husbands “life” to come to light at least in the sense of what truths he would allow himself to tell (passed a polygraph-but left out details that were in his original disclosure so he could “pass” & not have to testify to those facts) but I knew what they were. The 3 day intensive we attended I quickly realized was nothing but a place for him to get sympathy & turn the tables on me. He dumped 30yrs worth of deception (my whole life w/him, our childrens lives, grandchildren-having to know it was all an illusion), and decided to watch football, thinking i was sleeping! The crazy thing about it “I” was questioned as to “Dont u understand he was concerned for your well being & wanted to let u sleep?”. He set me up so he could protect his “good guy” IMAGE OF HIMSELF. I didn’t even bother to tell them (2nd Best Sex addiction expert in the country & the psychologist that he was watching football-what would b the point-he had done his job convincing them-it was me & my Lack of being sexual enough & the background of mental illness in my family that i was Crazy. Really?? I have spent the last 4yrs learning, praying, recovering my sense of self-knowing that I was WHOLE, INTACT the entire marriage but lived with a sense that he loved to hate me. My God how it all makes Perfect Sense Now!! I am so Grateful my Spirit Stayed & Stood under the vicious attacks. The most interesting thing that occurred is the last 2 sentences spoken to me by the psychologist. #1 “he had a quality to his life he would never had if not married to you. #2 “I think u hold him more responsible than he really is”. UNBELIEVABLE-$5,600 later. The deepest, darkest place in my life-I MARRIED A HIDDEN PREDATOR & they EXCUSED IT!! So did my Pastor-he let me know “Porn, is that All-I’ve been on that site-BINGO! Darkness was EVERYWHERE I TURNED. I took Heart & have continued to Fight for what I want & Need to continue to stay Happy, Healthy & Whole-to the deepest sadness it means the end of my family as I knew it to be (the Illusion-is WHAT it was)-but I will forever know my part was real and I can continue MY LIFE w/INTEGRITY in tack. Beyond the Pain-PEACE will come in that Knowledge.
Dianah,
Thank you for sharing your experience. ‘Soul loss’ is definitely a problem at the root of issues. When the soul is gone, there is not much to build a marriage on. Porn, deception, lies and betrayal all contribute to soul loss.
On reading about what happened at the intensive and what the psychologist said, I winced in pain and disgust. The statement “I think you hold him more responsible than he is” baffles me, especially with the implication that you contributed to a change in the quality of life. When he married you, your lives became one. He gave up that old life, no matter what quality it had. That is part of what marriage is about. If he regrets or resents what he lost prior to the marriage, neither he nor the psychologist fully understands what marriage is really about. It’s not a contract, it’s a life commitment in my mind.
If he was concerned about quality of life, then the question becomes, “What are you doing to improve the quality of your marriage and build up your wife?” Someone did not understand that after that period of time that the wife’s behavior mirrors the husband’s attitudes. In other words, she gives back to him what his issues are with her, especially after 30+ years.
$5600 is quite a price to pay for him being validated and you along with your issues being discounted or dismissed. There is a reason that the man comes out first in the wedding ceremony. It’s a statement that HE is initiating things. He is taking charge. He is the point man. He is taking responsibility for what is about to happen. It does not mean that the wife doesn’t have responsibilities, it does mean that he is taking on the lion’s share of them though. The whole idea of “I think you hold him more responsible than he is” doesn’t add up to me, especially with the number of years the two of you have been together. Perhaps I’m missing something, but from what I know of the situation, it doesn’t make sense.