The question o whether or not tell your spouse about an affair is a difficult situation for anyone to ever face. The dilemma of having to choose puts the burdened spouse in an awkward situation. It is not a situation where there is a way to win. There is no winning in a situation such as this. The best option is not to have an affair in the first place.
The way the recovery community has often dealt with similar issues is that do not tell the person if there will be more damage done by telling than by not telling. Such an answer sounds good, until one begins looking realistically at the real damage versus imagined damage. If the damage it truly life-threatening, then this advice would be helpful.
My own experience is that in most cases, your spouse already suspects or ‘knows’ something is up already. Unless you are a very deceptive person, the news of an affair will already be suspected. It is possible that your spouse may not have a clue. With greater frequency, I am seeing people who do not have a clue. It is not that they are ignorant or stupid, just unaware. With a society that is producing borg-like creatures sporting bluetooth headsets, people are often living a split existence between who they are on the phone (mobile) and who they are in real life. When there is this information overload, their attention has been spread so thin that they really do not have a clue. In such cases, news of an affair may be a total surprise.
If you are struggling with this question, discuss it with someone you trust who can look at the situation objectively or a counselor before taking action.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
