Life after D-Day has its ups and downs. Some days are better than others, then there are the ‘meh’ days. Each day has its own challenges. A ‘good day’ may be one that you manage to get through without a crisis.
When faced with back to back crises, it’s easy losing sight of what you need to do. During those times, you may find yourself reacting to things rather than thinking through them.
One of the challenges after discovering the affair concerns the ‘pick me’ dance. As the cheater vacillates between you and the lover (AP) part of you wants to grab their attention and be the chosen one. It’s a bit like a tug of war.
For many faithful spouses, this dance can be maddening and confusing. During these times it’s important to have something to ground yourself with, something that will keep you from reacting or giving into the cheater.
You want them to choose you willingly rather than having to force or coerce them into doing so. Even though your mind tells you this is not the best thing to do, emotionally you want to jump up and down while waving your arms in order to get their attention and be selected.
At one point, you were the one that was picked. It felt good having their attention and affection. In those days, you didn’t have to compete. You had it all.
With the affair, all that has changed. The attention you once had is gone.
Losing that special status, creates a void. You still need and crave that attention, but are afraid to admit it. The ‘pick me’ dance takes you to emotional extremes.
Nothing is wrong with you wanting to be chosen. That part of what you’re going through is natural.
That challenge is how you handle those feelings and the sense of desperation that comes with it. The dance has you thinking and considering things you never considered before.
The ‘pick-me’ dance is just one manifestation of pain that I discuss concerning the pain see-saw in the Affair Recovery Workshop. The pain will shift back and forth for a while, leaving either you or your spouse hurting.
The craziness that comes with being caught up on the pain see-saw doesn’t have to continue on for months. There are ways of getting off the pain see-saw, including stopping the pick me dance.
In the downloadable workshop, you’ll discover ways of dealing with your situation and emotional turmoil. Whether the two of you stay together or not, you still need healing and your relationship still needs help.
Click and download the workshop so that you can be doing something that brings healing rather than standing around hoping and waiting for the cheater to pick you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
