In some recent exchanges with an AP (Affair Partner-a.k.a. the Lover), she raised some items needing attention. Although you may not want to even consider the AP’s opinion, thoughts, or concerns, ignoring them is at your own peril.
Her emails made reference to themes like ‘true love’ and the romantic notion of ‘fighting for love’. These are powerful motives for anyone. Romantic notions like these give people inspiration and hope. It is also what breathes life into relationships.
It also tells me that you’re not the only one ‘fighting for love’. The AP has similar drives. In the past, I’ve used the comment that ‘all’s fair in love and war.’ When it comes to affairs, the old saying has some new applications.
When someone is fighting for ‘true love’ they follow their own rule book. That means that the struggle for the attention and affection of the cheater won’t be respectable or decent. It will be dirty and underhanded.
You may become that person that you despise: The deceptive, secretive, attention-seeking skank around town. This is NOT the kind of lover your AP thinks you are. That’s why she’s so offended by your actions.
Affair partners are not satisfied with what they already have at home or how their lives are going.
When you’re driven by ‘true love’ and fighting for it, the notion empowers you, even when you’re feeling desperate. When you feel hopeless, recalling what you’re fighting for has a way of energizing you.
It also energizes the lover. This means it’s essential that the affair relationship is totally ended in order to extinguish it. If you allow time for good-bye’s or winding down, you risk breathing new life into the affair. The AP will create a crisis or some other excuse in order to keep the relationship going.
Although it sounds ruthless that you need to cut off all contact, it’s essential. Ending the affair requires not giving ground to your competition mentally, relationally or emotionally.
Negotiating a cease-fire for the affair means that the affair isn’t over. Begging the lover to leave is a desperate move that seldom accomplishes what you hoped. The lover believes that you still have some play. If there is any hope of preserving the relationship, then the other partner will fight for it.
If you don’t know how to handle the ending of the affair, download the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse.” Knowing about triggers and high-risk situations and ways of handling them are the kinds of tools you need is ending the affair.
Being ruthless about ending the affair includes dealing with affair fantasies and daydreams about what happened. There are ways of handling those items which you’ll discover.
A motivated AP is a threat to your marriage. Ignoring it opens the door to danger.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
