One of the scars associated with affairs is that some people have been surrounded by unhealthy behavior for so long they do not recognize it. With a great deal of frequency I am asked “Is it normal when…..?” What follows is a description of some aberrant behavior. When spouses pose questions like that, they know that something is not right, although they can not quite put their finger on what it is.
Janie came in and asked is it normal that my husband hides his cell phone and conversations form me. I knew that there was more to her question, and proceeded to ask her to tell me more about the situation. Her husband Pat had been hiding the phone, the credit card statements and the bank statements from her. She did not feel right about it, but since Pat always reacted with such anger to her questions, she thought that she had done something wrong. Janie began doubting herself. She was terrified of Pat’s rages and was scared to let anyone know about them. She did not want to be seen as a ‘bad wife’ so she often kept such fears inside.
In Janie’s case, she began doubting her own feelings and initial reactions to the behavior. When Janie began talking about these items, she made some changes in how she dealt with Pat and how the marriage was working.
You can learn from Janie. When you suspect something is not right, be willing to talk, rather than give in to self-doubt. Fear silences many spouses and prevents the issues needed attention from being addressed.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
