As unpleasant as it seems, some affairs are not about love, companionship or even being horny. Some are purely done out of revenge. When the affair is out of revenge, the lover is chosen to be someone who you hate or despise. With revenge affairs, the lover is chosen due to their offensiveness to you. The lover is often a different race, religion or background that is sure to spark a reaction. In such cases, it is definitely NOT about love, but instead about the reaction. Since the reaction is often ‘intense,’ the mistake is often made of confusing intimacy for intensity. Confusing intensity and intimacy is problematic enough in itself. The cheater knows that what they are feeling is STRONG, and what they are after is STRONG feelings, not love. The cheater may debate with you as to whether it was intentional or accidental (I use the term ‘accidental’ loosely. In my mind there are few if any ‘accidents’ when it comes to affairs unless drugs are involved. Drugged encounters are more akin to rape than to an affair).
Revenge affairs are often driven by passion. That passion may be focused on payback, release of anger, or even hatred. They may be lashing out at you, or even themselves, God, their parents or their origins by having a revenge affair. This is one of the reasons you want to explore who or what they are lashing out at rather than operate off of assumptions.
The choice of lover is not by accident. There is always some basis for the chemistry involved. Revenge affairs often force you to examine some uncomfortable issues and ugly realities. If you hope to resolve the issues, you will have to address those issues. The ugly realities will force you to deal with issues about self-acceptance, sexuality, and values. In examining these issues, you may have to review where you stand on such issues as well.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
