If you’ve kept up with current events, you’d know about Jennifer Lopez asking Ruth Bader Ginsburg her advice on marriage. The justice said that the secret to a good marriage is to be “a little deaf”.
After pondering the advice of Justice Ginsburg, I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s right. Being a little deaf will help you have a ‘good’ marriage.
I saw this first hand with my in-laws. One spouse periodically didn’t put in his hearing aide or intentionally had it turned off. His inability to hear things reduced the frequency and intensity of conflicts.
I’ve heard variations of this advice over the years. Reducing what you hear or see makes an impact.
I’ve also seen many couples settling for ‘good’ marriages when they could have had a great one. In being a ‘little deaf’, you miss out on things.
Your spouse knows when you’re paying attention to them. Since no one likes being ignored, the deaf strategy has a fatal flaw if you want your marriage to be the best it could be.
Being a little deaf amounts to settling for getting along rather than tuning in and connecting with your spouse. Listening to them definitely risks more triggers.
If what you hear triggers you, there’s issues going on needing your attention and work.
In great marriages, you want to tune into your spouse, knowing they are 100% with you, whether or not they agree with you. You want them with you in good times and bad.
The difference between good and great marriage is how tuned in you are to each other and what each others ‘true’ needs are. Tuning into each other is a key component of intimacy.
If you value intimacy, learning how to listen to them better, including what they aren’t saying aloud is crucial. If you think ‘intimacy’ is only something that happens between the sheets, you’re missing out.
On the other hand, if all you want is companionship and fewer fights, the counsel of Ruth Bader Ginsburg is correct.
You face the choice of wanting the best for your marriage or settling for good. Keep in mind how many times others tell you they have a ‘good’ marriage when you know differently.
If you are one of those who want more from your marriage than settling for a ‘good’ one, you’ll want to consider the 30 Days to a Better Marriage Program. It guides you through a series of tasks over 30 days in tuning into your spouse and improving your communication.
Better marriages don’t just happen. It takes conscious effort at putting aside selfishness and blinders that keep you from connecting with your spouse.
Being deaf is habit forming. The more you do it, the more you tune out. Being tuned out means you miss opportunities for developing closeness and meeting their hidden needs that they either keep secret or find themselves unable to talk about openly.
You can order the 30 day program today and have your marriage be in a different place in a month’s time. By then, some of the skills will be second nature.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
