As a teen, coming to grips with my parents infidelity was often difficult. It was a topic that I often did not want to discuss, since infidelity was ‘dirty’. My parent was talking about ‘wanting to be happy’ and ‘finding a new life’. While they were talking about a ‘new’ life, they were stealing mine. The wackiness of talking about ‘happiness’ and ‘freedom’ while I struggled with shame and the pain of my parents choices was something that few people understood. Who could understand the crazy-making situation while they were still a teen. I could not talk to my siblings, since they were younger and I did not want to burden them. I could not talk to friends whose families were intact, they did not understand the wackiness of the situation and the strange rules the situation had to go with it.
At the time, I did not understand the rules and how things were happening. I knew that I was hurting and few people had the time or understanding to comprehend what I was trying to make sense out of.
After many years, I now understand those situations. Each person is living in their own emotional existence. With each person living in their own emotional world, the rules that apply to one person, do not apply to all of them. Although a parent can make choices based on happiness’ alone, the children are not allowed to. Being ‘reasonable’ means that you need to surrender your position and accept theirs. Although the dictionary defines it as something else, in families struggling through affairs, all the rules and definitions of words change.
I share this to help parents know what their teens are going through and to provide some possible talking points for engaging them.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
