Lately I’ve received an influx of letters from spouses who know their marriages are seriously unhealthy yet choose remaining in them. Not only are they remaining, they are fearful of upsetting their spouse and making changes.
They live in fear of setting boundaries on unhealthy behavior. Comments about how angry or disappointed their spouse will be if they say “no” to the unhealthy behavior are common. Their struggles may be like your struggles.
You suppress your own hopes for your marriage along with your desires thinking it’ll ‘keep the peace’. You question what’s in your marriage for you.
Outsiders who see what’s happening wonder why you allow the patterns to continue. The outsiders don’t know about the power of traumatic bonds.
I’ve mentioned emotional bonding in some of my previous writings. Traumatic bonding are those bonds formed from intense emotional experiences.
When you go through intense negative experiences, bonding connects the two of you together. Each of you react differently to those bonds.
One of you exploits the trauma bonds while the other tolerates exploitation while telling yourself ‘this is what a good spouse does’. If leaves you feeling trapped and desperate.
You hold out hope with phrases like “things will improve” and “its only temporary”.
Couples like you go through ups and downs. When the downs happen and it becomes a pattern, or you are always having to be exploited, the down may have turned into a trauma bond.
When you’re held back by a traumatic bond, you know things are abusive, yet feel helpless or fearful in doing anything about it.
With trauma bonds, the first thing needed is getting unstuck by the trauma. Trauma paralyzes you.
Trauma keeps you from doing things that will change your marriage relationship. Trauma keeps those old unhealthy patterns in place.
If you ever wondered what keeps you there, one of the answers is ‘trauma bonds’. They give strength to your relationship, yet also function like restraints keeping you chained in it.
The video, “Overcoming Affair Trauma” is designed for moving you past being stuck. You need to move on. Getting past the trauma starts you on the way to a healthier relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeff
