“Is it micro-cheating or paranoia?”

There’s been some recent buzz in media circles about “micro-cheating“.  This is the term used for the behaviors and actions exhibited leading up to someone cheating. Rather than viewing them as early warning signs, they are considered forms of micro-cheating.

The term “micro-cheating” is a recent concoction coined by the psychologist Martin Graff. Although his term is gaining traction in dating circles and being used more in the media, I have problems with it. I believe its use leads to more problems than solutions.

Although coining terms like this may give researchers material for publication, they have limited real world applications. If anything, such terms are prone toward misuse.

I don’t view micro-cheating as cheating.

When you start viewing micro-cheating behaviors as cheating, you create more conflict and experience misplaced guilt. You start viewing many behaviors as cheating that aren’t cheating.

It creates a mindset where you start seeing cheating when it hasn’t happened. You start imagining events occurring  that haven’t happened. It leads to projecting your fantasy onto situations.

If anything, the term and its cousin, micro-aggressions create more confusion concerning human behavior. You are either cheating or not cheating. Using ‘micro-cheating’ as a barometer starts labeling innocuous behaviors as violations when they aren’t.

There’s a big difference between you looking at your exes latest post on social media and wanting to cheat with them. Using micro-cheating turns curiosity and being social into violations.

Any spouse with jealousy or insecurity issues will latch onto micro-cheating behavior and turn any action into an affair. At that point, the issue is not the micro stuff, but rather the insecurities and jealousies.

In my mind, using the idea of micro-cheating fosters a sense of over-reactive self-focus form of paranoia. It takes you from a self-focused navel gazing to outright paranoia.

As a line from an old song by the Kinks called “Destroyer” said, “Paranoia will destroy you”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSbSueq_KSY

There’s enough conflicts about what is or isn’t cheating without the new category of micro-cheating.

Using the term ‘mico-cheating’ leads to social isolation and creates increased conflict in your relationships. Behaviors that were not problematic suddenly become issues. It turns non-issues into issues.

If you ever wanted to make mountains out of mole-hills, micro-cheating will do it for you. Any social interaction with anyone but your spouse now becomes micro-cheating.

When your spouse does cheat, it’s concerning. It’s a matter needing attention and intervention. When they cross the line and actually cheat, action is needed.

At that point, the material in the “Affair Recovery Workshop” is the kind of stuff you need. With micro-cheating, you need other actions. Either someone needs to work on their jealousy and insecurities or some improvements are needed in communicating with each other.

Best Regards,

Jeff