When a reader inquired about how affair partners are losers, it grabbed my attention. The more I considered their point, the more I realized they were onto something. Let’s consider how the AP (Affair Partner) loses in their relationship.
First, their relationship is based on stolen affection. Relationships built on theft or lies as their foundation are on shaky ground. A relationship started with stolen affections is always at risk of someone else stealing affections. It leaves those involved in a perpetual state of insecurity. A relationship with the AP is always seen as inferior to other relationships. The relationship is only as secure as the hold the AP has on the cheater.
When a relationship begins with theft, there’s also the specter of a guilty conscience that hangs over the relationship. It will always have a negative stigma surrounding it. The cheater may rationalize it, excuse it or hide it, but the stench of that stigma remains.
Additionally, the affair partner is seen as the “other woman/man” and can face judgment and criticism from society even years later. They may also struggle with feelings of guilt and shame for being involved in a relationship that goes against societal norms. There is a reason for the term ‘scarlet letter’ for adulterers.
The AP’s relationship is also based on secrecy. The fact that they have to keep it a secret means they can’t fully involve themselves in the relationship. There are always shadows looming over their heads. They can never let down their guard for fear someone may find out.
Secondly, with an affair, the AP never has the full affection of the cheater. Sure, there may be moments, yet even those are limited. They are in a position of always getting the leftovers instead of the wholehearted, pure commitment of the cheater. Not only are they given leftovers, they are also disposable.
Thirdly, the relationship begins with a lie. Anytime a relationship begins on a lie, you’re never sure of where you stand or if you can believe what you’ve been told. The bottom line is that an affair partner always loses in the relationship. The cheater may act like they’ve won, but in reality, they’ve lost something too. They may have lost their dignity, self-respect or even their soul.
An affair partner always loses in the end because their relationship is based on stolen affection. They are stealing affections that belong to someone else. When relationships begin on a lie, the lying doesn’t decrease. Instead, it finds new ways of showing up. Barring unforeseen abrupt changes, the lying eventually turns into theft of one sort or another. The AP loses out on wholesomeness in their relationship. They may wash it in religious words or ceremonies, but it remains tainted.
The taint, insecurity and limitations are real. Since they can’t be removed, they require adjustments and accommodations. Those adjustments stretch the relationship in uncomfortable ways. When the adjustments aren’t made, the relationship only worsens. If you’re caught up in one of these situations, you need to know ways of dealing with the unnatural situation you’re in. Those unnatural situations can trigger trauma episodes from your past. You can feel like you’re reliving other unhealthy relationships all over again.
Rather than creating another unhealthy relationship, take steps toward healing yourself and your relationship. In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma”, you can learn ways of moving past the discomfort and unhealthy reactions you are struggling with.
Click and download your copy of the video today. You can start making healthy changes instead of reliving old nightmares again.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
