The question often arises whether or not ‘good people’ have affairs. This is often a dicey question for many reasons.
First, you find out that although they are nice on the outside, some people are very carnal on the inside and often have selfish motives.
You’re also dealing the phenomena that cheaters often don’t want to see what they have done as making them a ‘bad person’. They will call it a ‘mistake’, an ‘error in judgement’, or even a slip.
They resort to what their ‘intentions’ were. In their mind, if they had good intentions, it makes them a good person.
Very rarely will they admit that they’re a bad person. Instead, They will say they did a bad thing, but insist that it does not make them a bad person.
The bottom line is that good people make good choices. They value their marriages and promises. When a good person is drugged and seduced, you can make a case for good people having affairs.
Those kind of things happen, but more often than not, the good person makes poor choices. Bad things often happen when the decision points are handled poorly, or either small compromises are made.
A small compromise often sets the stage for the next compromise. Each compromise takes them closer and closer to an affair.
They end up doing something bad. They cross the line between good and bad. Some choose to stay there, others only take occasional trips to ‘badness’.
Then there is the issue of you. When you are the spouse, you will often see the good rather than seeing the bad. In many cases, it is a struggle to see anything that even resembles the bad.
You see the best and want the best. That is one of the hallmarks of true love, seeing the good in your spouse. Since you likely can not see the bad, for you, good people do have affairs.
You may even tell yourself that as part of getting past the affair. Your inability to see the bad will help the two of you with healing, yet when the cheater chooses to stay on the bad side, that same quality becomes denial which keeps you in pain.
I want to see your marriage healed. I also know the importance of honesty, especially honesty with yourself. I am well aware that good people are often far from perfect.
They often have a mix of good and bad qualities, with choices that go along with that. Despite the mix, there is more good than bad. Good people often have baggage.
There may be some unsavory events in their past. Those events don’t make them bad. The two of you have likely moved on past that baggage.
Bad baggage does not make someone a bad person.
What does make a difference are the choices they are making now. Are they making good choices now. What is on the inside will come out. If they are good they will make good choices.
If they are bad, they will make bad choices. The tough part is that many of those who make bad choices have good exteriors. They look good on the outside, but still have some bad choices on the inside.
A few bad choices can ruin even the best of goodness. Those choices often bring rottenness and decay to the relationship.
These bad choices often start small. They start thinking that their body belongs to them, that they need separateness from you, that what you do not know won’t hurt you.
Those small choices lead to larger choices. They forget that part of their marriage vow to you was that ‘all of you’ and ‘all of them’ are together. They forget the seriousness of their vows. Badness is not something that happens all at once, it is the product of a series of poor choices.
You need to be honest with yourself about that.
Best Regards,
Jeff
