A viewer posed a question about when to leave a long term affair relationship. This question reminds me of a story told by Gregg Harris. In the story, a son asks his father ‘when is the best time to plant a fruit tree?” The father responds “The time for planting a fruit tree is ten years earlier”.
Leaving a long term affair, like planting a fruit tree, is something that should’ve been done years earlier.The longer you wait in ending a relationship, the harder it will be to leave. Delaying means increasing the pain.
According to the Gottman Institute, about 30% of affairs last two or more years. With two or more years invested, you’ll need to use a radical approach for ending it.
With that kind of time investment, attachments are formed needing radical severing. There are no easy or painless ways out.
Radical means ‘to the root’. When it comes to ending long term affairs, remove it all the way down to the roots. That means cut off the lover from ALL social media, phone access, etc. There is no such thing as a gradual leaving.
You’ll need to remove all old photos. This includes the good photos, if they include the lover. Making excuses in terms of them having meaning or being a good picture of you needs to be ignored.
Remove them all. Compromising even a little here often translates to emotional fires being ignited later. Rather than focusing on the pain of the loss, consider what you are gaining.
Refuse answering their calls and attempts at contacting you. The closed door needs to remain shut. It’s important that allow your spouse not contact them either. The lover will often try gaining access in multiple ways. You have to shut all the doors and windows.
You need to view the affair as ‘wrong’. Any romanticizing of the affair leads to compromises. When you view it as ‘wrong’ it will give you strength to cut things off. It will give you the determination to follow through with what you need to do.
You may have loved them or developed feelings for them. Those feelings, like the contact, needs to be turned off. That means no fantasizing, daydreaming or wishful thinking about the affair. When you label it as ‘wrong’ in large red letters, you will not be so tempted to crater.
If you need additional help in this area, the video “Preventing Affair Relapse” gives you some hands on help.
Best Regards,
Jeff
