Although in your mind, the cheater “should have known” what she* was when they had the affair, the reality may surprise you. In some cases, they did know and chose to have the affair anyway. In such cases, they may have planned out the affair or were assuming that the way she was. As twisted as it may sound, some cheater choose people to have an affair, knowing full well that it would never work out. It is a type of self-defeating behavior that keeps the affair from going too far.
Some single women actually look for married men to have an affair with knowing that the relationship will not go anywhere. It provides them with some money, and attention without having to worry about the cheater ever committing to them or the relationship. They want there to be distance in the affair relationship since that reduces risk for them.
Some married spouses have similar agendas. They have affairs with people that they know are either incapable of a long term relationship or will do things to keep from getting too close to others. They may even choose a person to have an affair with that does not make sense to you. All too often you may be asking the wrong questions about the affair. Instead of “Who are you having an affair with?” and “What did you do?”, you would have understood more by considering what and who their choice in lover says about them. The lover is often a reflection of the needs of the cheater. Understanding the affair from that angle will give you more understanding about the motivations for the affair, especially when the lover is not sexually attractive.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
5 Responses
Yes..my husband and the OW both made a decision based upon the appraisal of each other as how useful they would be for cheating. Money for sex. Though she was well employed at the time this pretext of affection was simply a way to further legitimize the way they made the ‘deal’ to have sex and get ‘benefits ‘ in terms of financial advancement for her and babies later on to assure her future ‘income’ from her sexual activity.
My husband finally realized that she never cared for him and he would NEVER have married her …even told her this from the beginning and she did not pursue marriage as her own words attest.
This is simply cold blooded ‘sport’ where ‘no one gets hurt’ but those who are innocent of any deceit….shame shame shame!!!!
I was reading today an article in a news magazine …I forget the name but it had an article about women who are the OW campaigning to get a law in place that would cause the alimony to cease …because the man she was going to marry was going to loose a good portion of his income and thus cause HER hardship!!!
Wow…what those who are of this ilk will try to justify and the world being what it is will probably accommodate…She has several women lawyers willing to take this to the courts….ACK!
Zaza,
Cold blooded sport is a good name for the transactions. They are planned, animal action-reaction type behavior. They want the sex without any risk of intimacy. They do not realize that such activity is soul-destroying.
The frivilous lawsuit you wrote about is astounding. Talk about meddling! I hope that judge has the common sense to throw the case out before it gains any traction.
I have not seen any more action on that issue but it would not surprise me to see it coming forth. The destruction of western law and culture has been a long time target for those who seek to
‘re-brand’ all of what is righteous and good.
I am presently reading a book called “The Death of Truth” by Dennis McCallum that informs about modernism and Postmodernism in pretty plain language…these types of perspectives have led to the present day what some call “Post Christian” era….It turns my stomach but it explains a lot about what you deal with talking with people now …They will listen politely to you share your faith but it will not penetrate their own heart….they patronize …and it is not just sad it is deadly ,
I feel it has been fed easily into the minds of children who have not had any instruction or true parenting while the parents are busy with their own ‘shining ‘ careers’ …when they find themselves old and empty they will cast about for some kind of meaning to their lives while seeking entertainment on the golf course or bingo tables at the retirement playpens.
Such a waste.
Zaza,
The poison of modernism is bad enough. Post-modernism presents is hard enough to describe, and even harder to combat. As a counselor, I have dealt with the post-modernists for a long time. Their use of shifting viewpoints and relative truths make it hard to have any kind of meaningful dialogue with them on key issues. Since my area of attention on this blog is affairs, I have had to limit my scope to that area. I share many of your concerns regarding the potential threat of modernism, post-modernism along with living in a post-Christian society. Our spiritual forefathers went through such challenges before and prevailed. This is part of the unique challenges of this generation.
Thank you for your acknowledgement ….I would be interested in some of the things you have discovered in your various encounters in you field with them in counselling ….makes you wonder how they even find value in doing therapy if they cannot hear through anything but the filter of such perspectives.
The effectiveness of the Word of God is by way of receiving with a heart prepared to receive….not rock hard soil. Your exercise in trying to counsel these must have been frustrating .