The other day, I received an email from someone going through affair recovery. The author wrote, “Two years ago I discovered he was having multiple affairs and dabbling in massage parlors, chat lines, swingers clubs etc. I was shocked because there was no overt signs in any way .”
Her quandary is not unique. Many of you didn’t find overt signs until you can’t ignore the evidence.
Some of you only found the warning signs after you discovered the affair. At those times you’re tempted call yourself ‘stupid’ and start emotionally beating yourself up.
There are many reasons for not seeing evidence of affairs. When you’re in love with someone, you want to think the best of them.
If they hadn’t betrayed you up to that point, you had no basis for distrusting them. You had no reason to question things not fitting the routine patterns.
It would be nice if spouses were up front and honest about other relationships. It would make recovery from the affair much clearer and easier.
That also raises the questions of “If they had been up front and honest, could you have handled it?” and “How would you have reacted to them if they’d been up front and honest?”
Not many spouses can sit down and hear accounts of that kind of betrayal without being shocked. In a few moments, you suddenly discover a whole other side to your spouse and a whole other world you didn’t know existed.
Being shocked is part of your body’s adjustment to the new revelations. It’s as if someone took your old spouse and replaced them with another one.
You have to consider what shocked you the most. Was it that it was kept secret?
Was it because they lied to you?
Was it because it is so different from the version of them you know?
Was it because you didn’t want to see any hints at another version up until that point?
The greater the in-congruence between the two versions, the greater your shock will be. Your safe and predictable world no longer exists.
If you have a family history that includes trauma, you may have a harder time adjusting than others do. This is due to the tendency of traumatic events to bleed over into previous ones.
Those previous traumas may have also contributed to you not seeing any approaching dangers. Traumas have a ways of keeping you from seeing other traumas or potential traumas.
The shocking news also changes your assumptive world. What you thought you knew, you really didn’t.
If you are struggling with trauma related to an affair, there is help. In the video, “Overcoming Affair Trauma”, you’ll learn ways of moving past news that you didn’t want to hear.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
