One of the most poisonous statements when it comes to affairs is, “I just want to be happy.”
The Happiness Poison <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio, and I’m glad that you’re with me today. The topic we’re going to be dealing with today is the happiness poison.
I call it the happiness poison because one of the most poisonous statements when it comes to affairs is when the cheater is told “I just want you to be happy.”
When a cheater hears these words they latch onto them and like an intoxicating mantra they use it as permission to indulge in and justify their affairs. They also take this as marching orders. Their own personal happiness is what is the top priority and you inadvertently told them that.
Many times some well-intentioned parents, children, spouses, and even friends, use it without realizing that when they say that statement, “I just want you to be happy”, that they are putting gasoline on a fire.
The reality is that many affairs have started, or initiated, based on this intention of them being happy.
Cheaters go through this uncertain time as they’re plotting and planning their affairs. When these well-meaning individuals come along and say “I just want you to be happy”, they latch onto it. They take off in the direction of the affair with this whole idea of the affair will make me happy. And they told me “I just want you to be happy.”
These well-intentioned individuals, they don’t realize that by telling the cheater that they just want them to be happy, they’ve given them permission to indulge in the affair. Television, movies, and popular music also contribute to the situation because they present these ideas to the cheater that an affair or another lover will make you happy, and the cheater wants to be happy.
They may be going through a tough spot in their marriage and when they hear that hey, this other person will make you happy, they want to be happy and so they see nothing wrong with chasing after what makes them happy rather than doing the right thing in their marriage.
If you’ve fallen for the ‘happiness poison’ there’s hope. But, like any poison, it’s going to take some work. In this case the solution is to administer the antitoxin. The antitoxin to the happiness poison consists of truth, doing the right thing, and responsibility.
This does not mean that you’re automatically going to be unhappy and miserable. No. That’s not the opposite of happiness. In this case it is going to counteract it, not be the opposite of it.
In order to administer the antitoxin you’re going to need to do several things.
1. You’re going to need to focus on doing the right thing rather than whatever makes you happy. This means whenever you make those little offhand comments focus on doing the right thing rather than whatever makes you happy.
That’s going to require some work in undoing that mindset, because so many times we’ve gotten caught up in getting these sayings implanted in our brains and it’s hard to unthink those things, to quit saying them. But it can be done.
2. If it’s the right thing it’ll be the right thing in the morning, it’ll be the right thing next week, it’ll be the right thing next month. Whereas whatever makes you happy often changes minute by minute. I often call this the test of time, because if it’s the right thing it’s going to be that way consistently across the board. It’s not going to change depending on the time of day. Whereas if you’re just chasing after whatever makes you happy that often changes, quite often, throughout the day.
3. Which I refer to as the “Test of shame“, is if it’s the right thing there’ll be no need to hide it. The right thing you don’t have to hide.
A lot of times what makes us happy has to be hidden, and in the case of affairs they often have to be hidden. If you have to hide what makes you happy chances are it’s probably not the right thing.
In terms of administering the antitoxin to the happiness poison, these three things you can start doing even before the phone call’s off. This is one of those, since you’re talking about changing the way that you’re thinking, is going to take some work at doing this day after day after day.
I would love it if your brain just switched automatically, but typically the brain gets used to old ways, it’s almost like it gets a rut in the way that it operates. And you’ve got to change that. You’re going to have to consciously choose to believe something else, choose to believe that doing the right thing is more important than whatever makes the person happy.
You’re also going to have to be careful what you say so that you’re not going around saying these little comments that actually act like goads to encourage the cheater in the direction of cheating. That’s got to stop.
These are three things that you can do to start turning your thinking around, turning the situation around, and I encourage you to put these in place. You may not necessarily be the spouse, you may be a family member who had someone have an affair. You’re going to need to get into the use of this antitoxin in order to turn the situation.
Another word for the ‘happiness poison’ is hedonism.
If your marriage is suffering from the effects of the happiness poison, it needs help like you’ll find in the ‘Affair Recovery Workshop’. Things need turning around, but do you know where to start and how to do it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
