Although it is offered as an excuse, the saying “Affairs just happen” is a misnomer. Many times the couple has communication or intimacy problems, and the opportunity arises for things to happen. Another scenario is when a partners uses drugs or alcohol. In such cases, the drug or alcohol abuse had been going on prior to the affair. The user can be impulsive, but the problem with self-control began before the temptation for an affair came alone.
Using the phrase “Affair just happen” is a convenient way to excuse what occurred and avoid looking at what was behind it. The stage for an affair is often long before it occurs. Taking a look at what led up often requires painful self-exploration. The affair is often someone’s solution to problem. The key quesition is what is the real problem or the underlying problem? If your spouse has given you the “It just happened” story, consider what is behind it. Take a look at what did the affair ‘fix’ or attempt to ‘fix’. What did the affair provide that was not there previously? Dealing with that quesiton will yeild more usefull material than trying to understand what happened that night or what you spouse did. It will help you understand what they were looking for, what made them vulnerable, what set the stage for things to happen.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
