There are times you may wonder if there is a time or a place for bitterness. In the aftermath of discovering an affair, you will have times if not days when you find yourself face to face with bitterness. The problem with relationship bitterness is that there is no warning label.
At least in the world of craft beers, you know you are about to open a bottle of bitterness when it has “IPA” on the label. These are intentionally brewed with extra hops in order to make them bitter to the taste. In such cases, you know what you are getting, and how much you are getting. The IPA beers often have names warning you of their ‘bitterness’ or their heavy dose of hops. They let you know there is a special place for bitterness.
When it comes to relationships, there is no warning label on bitterness. There is no label alerting you to the danger ahead. No references to the head crushing, in your face experience that you are about to encounter. If you encounter a bitter person, they may ‘bite your head off’ for little to no reason. The bite is no longer about hops, it is about hurts that have been allowed to fester. You may even be the person who is bitter toward others, your situation or even life itself.
Hurts and misunderstandings easily turn into bitterness when not addressed. This is why it is important to address the issues surrounding the affair. Assuming that time alone will heal things often opens you up to the risk of bitterness.
Relationship bitterness, unlike craft beer bitterness has no expiration date. Once you allow bitterness into your heart, it often stays there longer than you expected it to. The longer it stays, the more of your life it will effect.
At first you may just be bitter about a situation or circumstances or even a person. The problem is that bitterness spreads over time. All that time you took to heal allows the bitterness to continue spreading in your life. It continues spreading, influencing your other relationships, your outlook on life and even your health.
One family member whose spouse cheated on her maintained her bitterness up until she died. She refused to forgive, refused to let go and refused to change the way she saw things. Her bitterness eventually got the best of her health.
Even the mention of the cheater’s name to her triggered strong reactions and some stinging response. Sadly, it made it hard for people to be around her. They no longer enjoyed her company. Bitterness has a way of souring even old friendships.
Instead of the Midas touch that turns everything to gold, in the case of bitterness, there is a touch that turns everything sour. You see the negative side of people and things way before you see any good side.
You may think that your bitterness hurt the person that hurt you. That is a false assumption. When you allow bitterness a foothold, the main person it hurts is you. Not only does it remove any joy you have, it pushes other people away. At the time you need encouragement and friendly faces, instead you find yourself alone and knee deep in sour situations. There is no place for bitterness in relationships.
Although the answer to such bitterness is ‘forgiveness’, my experience is that most people do not know how to forgive in a healthy manner. Their forgiveness often ends up being sophisticated blame shifting or emotional white washing. It becomes a temporary fix rather than a long term solution. This is one reason why I often go deep in explaining how to forgive in a way that works.
Very often, the bitter victim views themselves as ‘better’ than the cheater in some way. Externally they may be better, yet with the bitterness they have inside, any goodness on the outside is negated.
The only good place for bitterness is in IPA beers. Even then, only those who are ‘experienced’ find enjoyment with their bitter beer. The bitterness often turns others off. There is a good reason for that. Bitterness is not a pleasant sensation for most people.
Best Regards,
Jeff
