In the 30+ years I’ve worked with couples, I’ve witnessed many couples fight. I still cringe whenever it happens. I’ve never gotten used to being in the middle of the episodes.
Although the old expression “fight fire with fire” is quoted when justifying paybacks and revenge for offenses, it doesn’t work well with affairs.
The cheater expresses anger and you react with anger in kind. Both of you say harsh things to each other.
The issues don’t get resolved and both of you feel worse than before. Words are said that make the hurt worse than earlier.
The only relief comes from having expressed what you were feeling. Even though you expressed yourself, it doesn’t mean that your spouse heard you.
There’s a time and place for responding in kind, yet not when it comes to anger associated with affairs.
When the betrayal of the affair surfaces, there are resentments with both of you. This is when the temptation of ‘fighting fire with fire’ arises. Both of you feel entitled to be heard based on the resentments you are feeling.
Giving into that temptation gives you an opportunity for venting, yet no opportunities for healing. Venting allows you or your spouse to let off some steam and let some angry words out.
When the anger is intense, such ‘venting’ provides a temporary relief at best. It also pushes your spouse away from you. Anger and resentment at this time leads to emotional isolation. You think it keeps you safe from your spouse and further hurt.
That ‘quick fix’ actually isolates you further and drags you down deeper into your pain. This intensifies the hurt you feel.
You forget that your brain and your spouse’s have been co-regulating each other for years. Isolating yourself from that other half of your mind means you are losing out on the ability to calm down.
Whether you want to admit it, the pattern between the two of you requires the other in the calming down process.
What you may have seen as emotionally protecting yourself has instead turned into emotionally torturing yourself. You removed the emotional safeguards in your marriage when you cut yourself off from your spouse.
When the safeguards are removed, the resentments build and the anger intensifies. In most cases, your body’s own capabilities of calming yourself down are depleted as well.
As the resentments continue growing, you’ll reach the critical point where emotional meltdown is inevitable. This is why I point out, fighting fire with fire is so dangerous.
There is a way out of this situation. You can stop the meltdown before the critical point.
In the video, “Getting Past the Affair Crisis“, I guide you in taking charge of the situation before you emotionally lose it.
Every day you keep the resentments inside, they inflict more damage to you and your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
