It’s my hope that your day is off to a good start. After a previous email on out-of-control anger, I found myself inspired to dig deeper into the topic. Like you, I want a thorough understanding of cheaters and also the betrayed and what happens between them during the affair dance.
Recovering from infidelity pain has many challenges.
Although it would be easier if both the cheater and the betrayed has positive responses to the affair. The reality is they don’t. That’s what brings me to the question and answer for today.
Consider the question, “Is there a connection between affairs and arson?” This is one of those questions that may leave you uneasy. That’s why I felt compelled to address the topic. There are certain behaviors that cannot be ignored when considering the connection between affairs and arson.
If you ask your local arson investigator or look at crime statistics, you won’t find any clear answers. The reason for this is that arson is very hard to prove. It can easily be disguised as an accident.
First, the experts have to prove that a fire was caused by arson, then locate the arsonist, and finally uncover the nature of the connection.
For that reason, the arson experts don’t have a clear answer to the question.
My observation is that there are connections between arson and affairs. What is not known is how strong those connections are. Most affairs don’t involve arson, yet a surprising number of arson episodes involve affairs.
When an affair is discovered, there are often feelings of betrayal, anger, and disgust. These are all powerful emotions that can lead to destructive behaviors. In some cases, the hurt partner may even feel like they have been burned by the affair and want to get revenge. Even the term, being burned is used in describing such episodes. Is that by sheer accident?
I’ve been in counseling long enough to know that the words people choose in expressing themselves have meaning. They say what they mean, there is no accident.
The twist is that the arsonist is not always the cheater. In some cases it’s the lover or the betrayed or in some cases, jealous third parties. Remember that some family members and friends take it on themselves to seek revenge or payback.
You can’t control all the people involved or touched by an affair, much less keep them from such destructive acts. Keep in mind, that the affair started with people losing their self-control and they are dealing with intense emotions. You may have even asked the question, “Have you lost your mind?” If you have asked that question, it tells me that at some level, you know that there is a problem with self-control.
That also means you have an expectation that at least two of the parties which have shown weak to little self-control are expected to control themselves and their passions so that you, your family, your property and your marriage are safe. That’s a HUGE gamble.
A common theme among some arsonists is the belief that the victim in some way doesn’t deserve what or who they have. The fire is their way of ‘leveling the playing field’. It’s their way of making things fair or destroying what stands in their way of getting what they want.
In some cases, it may be that the arsonist simply wants to destroy what they can’t have or what they think is keeping them from having what they want.
The motives are as varied as the people involved in affairs. The one thing that we know for sure is that when people are deeply hurt, they sometimes do drastic things.
Since affairs often involve unbridled sexual passion, it doesn’t take much for it to turn into unbridled angry passion. There is a long history of association between fire and passion. It’s not by accident that fire imagery is often used interchangeably.
Consider the songs Norwegian Wood by the Beatles, or Light My Fire by the Doors or I’m Burning for You by Blue Oyster Cult. The list goes on. In the song, Norwegian Wood, the spurned lover actually sets a fire to his girlfriend’s place.
Those who have lost their self-control may start burning or destroying things on a small scale. They may key your car, burn photos of you or some other malicious act. Such acts may seem minor, yet when the passions inside are strong enough, those small acts may be rehearsals for a larger display.
Affairs are not something to toy with. As you know, they are serious business. I want to help you and your marriage recover from infidelity. I also want that recovery to happen safely. If you are facing an affair, I strongly encourage you to consider the Affair Recovery Workshop. The information and interventions will help you reduce the risks associated with affairs.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
