Children amaze me with their ability to simplify the world around them.Even with affairs, they have a unique way of cutting through the games and seeing the affair for what it is. They can see the wrongness of when one parent cheats on another. They see through the lies about self-fulfillment, finding one’s soul-mate, or “it’s an adult thing” types of excuses. They know that the cheater lies. They know that the cheater broke the promises they made. They know that the cheater violated the special relationship of the marriage. As a parent, you may try to shield your child or hide aspects of the affair from them. Children may not be able to handle the details and excuses that surround an affair, but they do understand what a lie is, what a broken promise is, and what disloyalty is. They understand the affair in simple terms. They may also blame themselves for it, since they can not conceive that a parent would actually want to do those things. Their inability to conceive what the cheater does is part of their inability to understand evil.
When children are teens, their ability to grasp the issue surrounding the affair increases. They can then set the affair in context. Although they can put things in context, it does not mean that they agree with the cheater or that they approve of what happened. Understanding and approving are not the same thing. Some parents get irritated when their children do not agree with the parents view of the affair and what happened. To them it is an affront the their child dares to disagree with how they view the affair. The reality is that the teen may see through the events more clearly than the parent does.
Many parents could learn a few lessons from their children when it comes to seeing through the lies and looking at how simple it really is.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
5 Responses
The children of the OW as a result of her request for my husband to ‘give her children because HE ‘used up ‘ her years! ” ….all of the adultery was kept going due to her pursuit and his passive ‘enjoying’ it….anyway THOSE children are getting to the age where they see the ‘value’ of using the situation and the guilt to try to manipulate….thus they have been learning from their mother ….how to solicit and gain from the situation.
Meantime our children who are older….are caught between loving the man they always thought their father was ….trying to forgive and …enduring the need he has to be a ‘father ‘ to the other children …because in truth no one thinks THEY should have to suffer because of the people who are their parents ….
it is a mess….two people who could not care about how their selfish lust effected others….did not think children would react or be effected because they did not see children as PEOPLE…..now it is starting to bring up a ‘crop’ and it is not going away soon….kids learn what they live….and who they live with has had a powerful effect upon their world view. The future is dim for them …but I pray that somehow they will be able to come to the truth which will enable them to make better choices …
“As a man thinketh in his heart so is he’
Children are people and the exhortation in God’s word is to ‘train up’ children …to adults we are told to ‘renew our minds’ or ‘put on the mind of Christ’
Agreeing or not with parents …to agree with GOD is what is crucial to one living not just a morally pure life but one that does not increase shame and damages ….God’s word is a ‘wake up’ to anyone who has realized how futile living by the way the crowd believes is ‘ok’
Zaza,
It always saddens me when I hear of children being used as trophies to be collected and displayed rather than as ‘gifts’ from God. A person’s attitude toward children often reveals what is in their heart. The use of the children as ‘payment’ for using up her best years reveals an attitude and a spirit that disturbs me greatly. Although having children is better than abortion, using children as payment turns them into chattel.
I could not agree more…..I do my best to offer whatever I am able …but without them knowing it …as far as they know it comes from my husband….I feel this is best right now….The OW is possibly sick…if not mentally …certainly emotionally.
Thank you for your continued addressing of these complex situations…most people do not think much about the various asepcts of this until they have it in their face personally ….who wants to look at something so terrible if they do not have to ….right?
Zaza,
You bring out a great point, “Who does look at something terrible if they don’t have to?” Many issues leading to affairs are not looked at, since they are either ugly or we hope that it is just a phase or that we want to deny what it may mean, or we do not want to sound paranoid or we are ignorant of the dangers. There are many reasons for not looking. The bottom line is it is not looked at.
Can I simply say what a relief to seek out someone who truly is aware of what they’re speaking about on the internet. You positively know find out how to carry an issue to mind and make it important. More people must read this and perceive this facet of the story. I cant believe you’re no more widespread because you undoubtedly have the gift.