We all need attention and affirmation. It means a lot to you when you obtain that from your spouse. They have a way of encouraging you better than anyone else. Along with the ability to encourage, you also have the ability to dis-courage your spouse. You may find their job boring or their interest boring. These may be areas where they have great passion. When you ignore what they are passionate about, they may find someone else to share their passions, or someone else may give them the attention that they are looking for. A spouse in need of attention is an easy mark for gold-diggers, sex addicts and other exploiters. With that in mind, if you have not been giving your spouse attention or support, you may want to consider it. When you talk about the affair and their needs, consider asking them if they ever felt ignored or dis-couraged. You may not have done it intentionally. You may not have even been aware of what occurred. That is why I used the phrase “if they ever felt…” You may have been very attentive to their needs, yet they did not ‘feel’ loved. It is important that they feel loved. It is important that you feel loved. We all need that attention and affirmation.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
8 Responses
Dear Dr Jeff, Love your post today, as all other days, my friend. I read them all!!! We all must certainly prove true to our marriage vows. However, there is another breed of persona that does not care whether their spouse fills their needs, gives them attention, adores them and so on. They still need more. They are Narcissists. Mine is a Passive Aggressive Narcissist. It did not matter that I gave him the Moon on a silver platter, catered to his every need, was always sexually available, cared for all my wifely duties, nurtured our child, nurtured our home, beautified our home & yard, was everything any ‘normal’ man would ever desire, including physically attractive, good sense of humor and good-natured. It was never enough! Please, be sure to include the caveat that some people, no matter how much loving care and attention you give them, can not be filled up. Why? Because the damage done to them in childhood left them like a bucket full of holes—–no matter how much you put in, it always runs out! The challenge here is for the ‘holey’ one to be willing to accept the help to figure out ‘why’ the holes and how to plug the holes. Until that is done, no matter how loving the spouse, it does not matter……..Unfortunately, the last person that such a lost person will listen to is the very one who recognizes this the best—-the loving, caring person they are married to. It has to be a person outside of the relationship who is willing to take the time to take the ‘holey’ one by the shoulders, shake them up & say “Hey!!! Wake up! Get a clue! What you always wanted, what everyone needs, is right in front of you, loving you, caring for you!” Rarely, though, does that happen, as most of these type of people isolate themselves. It is hard to get close to them, so usually only the spouse & sometimes the children are aware of how disordered these people are. (Most often they are male) So, there are some who actually only get worse the more love and attention you give them. It is so very sad….l have experienced this myself, and so has one of my brothers. So, should we always give the love and attention we promised on our wedding day? Absolutely, as you are promising before God as well as before your spouse that you are a person of integrity! Never, ever throw away your own integrity just because another human does not value it! Part of keeping our integrity to our Creator is to fulfil the promise to love, care for and cherish our spouse. If they reject it, that is between them and their Maker. Do we just sit back and let them use us as a ‘door-mat’, no matter what? Of course not, as our Creator allows us to divorce an unfaithful spouse. That is a subject for another post!!! And I am sure you have or will yet address these issues……Love to you and your lovely wife!!!
Sherri,
Thank you for your comments and kind words. Narcissists presents some unique challenges. They are another reason why one size answers do not fill all when it comes to affairs. With Narcissists, there is never enough love, never enough sex, never enough attention. Their whole lives are ones centered on being extreme and on themselves. They also do not have any problems lying. For them lying only occurs when you deceive them, not when they deceive you. As a group they often do not have the ability to look at situations from perspectives other than their own.
I will have to devote a series to dealing with Narcissists and affairs since the dynamics require a whole different road map in order to make sense of what is going on.
Sherri ,
I couldn’t have said it better myself. The family of origin in the case of my husband was devoted to him . How one develops into such a condition is a mystery …except if you follow what scripture tells us …that we have an enemy who seek to find cracks and vulnerabilities in one’s character …and that we need to be careful of the kinds of influences we take in without regard for the warning of the wisdom to guard the heart, select companions and environments with an eye to growing and maintaining healthy attitudes and interests.,
Thank you both for addressing this issue….as Sherri points out many times the wife [usually] has been taught for years in church about being careful to make sure her husband gets enough sex and honor or ‘else someone else will be willing to” This is a VERY POOR instruction …it causes men who hear this to think they have justification …and women to begin to live by fear that THEY are the ones the marriage is held together by!
The man in scripture is actually the one CHARGED by GOD with the responsibility and privilege to maintain self governing , purity and to learn to love his OWN WIFE ….not women in general . It is part of the maturing process marriage brings about as spouses determine to be faithful and loyal to GOD and one another.
ALSO …how many times do we have to hear from the OW or OM …that ‘if the spouse was being a good spouse and meeting the ‘needs ” of the CS then they would not be able to have gotten them to commit adultery with them! WRONG
Those who are seeking to sin will find it…and if they do not care to learn about their own need to guard against sin they will not prepare to keep their vows…no matter WHAT the faithful spouse does ..
Look …God moved heaven and earth to love and demonstrate HIS love and some people , even those who walked and observed Jesus did not believe or stay faithful
One must CARE and be THANKFUL in order to be watchful and willing to grow in knowledge ,wisdom and truth.
“If you don’t pay attention, someone else will,” is absolutely true. I see so many people neglect their spouse’s needs because they don’t feel like their own needs are being met, and it’s a battle of pride. When someone’s pride is at stake, it leads to getting affirmation from a third party to stroke that ego.
As Sherri stated her husband still “felt” he wasn’t getting his needs met though she did not actually neglect him. So no matter what, if your spouse is a narcissist or not, we all have a lot of work to do to to make a marriage work.
Dear ZAZA, Thanks for your imput on my comment. For a child to be the center of the familiy’s abnormal devotion is just as destructive to them as neglect or abuse. Actually, all 3 variations are considered a form of abuse, as a child’s normal emotional growth is damaged in all those cases. In my husband’s case, he was neglected and abused, as well as an observor of his mother being abused. So, his was the oppisite end from what your husband experienced, with the results still much the same. Unbelievably sad!
I will have to comment further later, as l have a busy day ahead. This topic, however, is so very important! There is so much mis-information on this aspect of affairs. One can be the most balanced person, most stable spouse and yet be the innocent mate in an affair. However, it is absolutely true that what we promise on our wedding Day includes giving our spouse love and attention & if we don’t, yes, our Creator will have some discipline for us if that contributes to a mate’s affair, but he still does not hold us responsible for their poor choice. However, as Stormy commented, there is no place for prideful battles in any relationship, much less marriage! Once again, thanks to DrJeff for posting this and other topics.
Just wanted to let everyone here know that it is good to be in touch with others who are making their way through insanity. Just remember, as Winston Churchill said:”When going through h___, KEEP GOING!” Do not allow the works of the devil to destroy you or slow you down for very long. As the scriptures tell us, we are not ignorant of what satan uses to try to turn people away from serving God. So, when one is armed with the knowledge from the scriptures and then puts it into practice, nothing can keep us down for long. Thanks to our Creator for loving us so much that he gives us all this loving care! Later!!!!
Dear DrJeff,
Thank you for your thoughts on the subject of Narcissists. Looking forward to further insights from you on the subject. Just those few observations you made actually helped further ‘flesh out’ my understanding of how he ‘processes’ things. Remember, there is a lot of excellent infomation on the subject from other professionals like yourself. Hope you wil tap into it when you deal with it on your blog.
Ns. actually live a very sad & lost existence. It took many years for me to finally comprehend what I have been dealing with for 32 years! Of course, I did not figure it out on my own–many wonderful people like yourself are willing to use the internet to share their knowledge and expertise!
Had I not had these resources, who knows whether I would even be alive, as the crushing weight of dealing with such horrific emotional burdens without help from people like you would literally crush us to death!
For many years, I fought suicidal feelings brought on by the craziness of dealing with my disordered mate, feelings that escalated when my husband started this latest affair. Had I not found your information as well as the many others that share online, l am sure l would not be alive.
Instead, you & others have shone a very bright light on the truth of the matter. Instead of dead, l am alive and quite well. Even though l am still dealing with a lot of fall-out from his poor choices, it no longer holds me hostage! l only see better days ahead for myself, as l have turned my focus to being the very best Servant of our Creator that I can be! That is a far better goal than being a better wife or of simple self-improvement.
Also, to all that others that are going through this & other horrors: NEVER stop loving. It may seem strange to some, but I do still love my husband, not in a morbid, addicted or obsessed way, but in the way our Creator loves–agape, the principled love. If we give in to the wrong type of hatred, we are on satan’s side.
Yes, proper hatred is certainly correct & scriptual in many situations—hatred of bad, for sure. Sometimes, it even extends to a person themselves, if they show themselves to be incorrigible. Remember, even King David recorded in Psalms that he hated ones who hated his Creator. Those things are proper.
However, unrestrained hate, general hate, does no good. So, beware! But, just as God reached a point in dealing with His people, the Israelites, and had to reject them in favor of his new arrangement under His Christ, many of us have to realize that it is proper to part from an unrepentant, repeat offender who shows no signs of changing their inner person to one approved by God and are only dragging us further into their morass, further away from our service to God.
God allows us to divorce an adulterer, even though he prefers we first do our best to imitate Him & reconcile with the wayward mate, just as He did for generations of Israelites in ancient times.
So, do not destroy your own soul by sacrificing it to a mate who refuses to live according to God’s requirements. I myself have finally begun making preparations to depart, as my husband shows no sign of living as a loyal husband or loyal servant of God, vows he made & has broken repeatedly. If a person can not keep their vow to their Creator, they can not keep their vow to a human.
Even though we no longer fuss & fume at one another (I do not allow it!) & live in the same house, even sometimes go do things together, that does not mean all is well. Far from it! Any of the others who read this blog, consider that may be your only way—depart.
For so long, l felt l could not make it on my own, felt l was walking out on the vows l had made and it just did not sit well with me. l have always taken my vows and commitments seriously. However, now l understand that if l remain, l am not keeping my vow to God & l am only sacrificing myself on the ‘altar’ of my husband, as it is extremely difficult (and occasionally impossible) to care for my spiritual commitments while shackled to him. Not acceptable!
Thanks to all of you for letting me ‘dump’!!! Love to all……
Sherri,
I am glad that you found the information helpful. I will address other aspects of the Narcissist in the future. I am not aware that there has been much research on the two topics together. Thank you again for your comments. The comments help me make the blog more helpful to those reading it.
DrJeff,
Would it be acceptable to you if l share with you some of the resources l found on this subject?
If so, leave a comment to that effect & I will share with you some web-sites, as well as books, etc that have enlightened me and many others on this subject.
One thing that would be good to remember for now, for your readers, is that most people who have repeat affairs present some form of narcissim. A simple one-night stand is most likely a moment of weakness, but repeat affairs reveals a much deeper, darker disordered persona. (l do believe you have commented to this effect a number of times, that it is important to understand there is a difference)
Love to all…..