It’s only when you come face to face with infidelity that you consider some basic questions. Although you’ve likely seen hundreds, if not thousands of incidents of cheating in the media, you hadn’t considered some of the basics.
A reader asked e one of those questions. Just coming up with the question shows me that they’ve put some thought into their situation. They asked whether cheating is mental or behavioral.
Cheating shows up in both mental and behavioral areas. When looking at cheating, there are mental and behavioral components. Since the mental usually shows up first, I’ll deal with that area today.
Mentally, the cheater makes choices that open up the possibility of an affair. They fantasize about it, make space for it and plan it out in their head. This is all well before they ever meet someone to cheat with. They cheat in their head and heart before they touch anyone.
The first thing that the cheater has to do is separate themselves from their primary relationship. They have to create enough distance, mentally and emotionally, to see their partner as a more of an object rather than the person they are supposed to be in love with.
In their mind, the cheater considers whether an affair is possible. Once that choice is made, their mind takes off in search of ways of making it happen.
All it takes is being open to the possibility of an affair happening. Along with the possibility, their mind has to consider infidelity as desirable. After that, their brain starts problem-solving the issues surrounding having an affair and coming up with solutions.
This includes planning out who to have an affair with, how to do it, and ways of covering it up. They may even rehearse conversations with you about the affair in their head before having the affair.
In the event, that their conscience is activated, their mind starts looking for compromises and possible deniability. They look for ways of indulging in the forbidden act without feeling guilty about it.
This is one reason the excuse of an unhappy marriage is employed in justifying the affair. They may actually be happy, but in need of something to excuse their indulgence.
This is also why in recovering from the affair, you need to include them making changes in their thinking as part of recovery. I address this in my “Affair Recovery Workshop”, along with other factors that also contribute to the affair developing.
Stopping the affair behavior is only the beginning. You also need to remove the affair out of their heart and head.
You can see the danger in the affair behavior, yet the mental roots of the affair are just as threatening to your marriage as the affair. Don’t leave the problem halfway resolved.
You can know ways of changing their thinking that led to the affair in the first place with the workshop. Order your copy today and start making changes.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
