Several years ago I attended the Texas Association of Marriage and Family Therapist annual convention in Austin. Like most meetings of this type, there were various speakers presenting their latest findings on family-related topics. Over the years, I’ve discovered that some of the most intriguing conversations happen after the presentations.
Sandwiched between the questions discussed in quiet conversation after the presentation is a place where you find gold nuggets. It’s at that time where the minds of family experts exchange intriguing ideas.
I talked with the presenter Michael Yapko about the power of suggestion in affairs during one of those quiet conversations after his keynote. Although we disagree about what to call the ‘power of suggestion, we did agree that suggestion is a powerful force when it comes to affairs. He knows something about the power of suggestion after daring to openly discuss the topic of repressed memories several years ago and has written 26 books.
My experiences taught me that when cheaters are in the ‘affair fog’, they succumb to the suggestions of the lover, no matter how outrageous. The cheater allows themselves to be talked into anything. In some cases, the ‘anything’ is limited to sexual activities. They can also be talked into lavish spending and impulsive risk-taking. The cheater is so enamored by the new relationship that they can do nothing but succumb to suggestion.
When in the fog, they wander directionless, listening only to the lover, like the sirens song. When in the fog, the cheater is willing to do things they wouldn’t normally do.
The power of suggestion changes the rules. A normally responsible spouse flips a switch, turning into an irresponsible, immature and self-serving stranger. This sudden change, leaves you wondering, “What happened?”
Yapko and his hypnosis often take people to places where they feel relaxed and comfortable. When it comes to the affair fog, the cheater goes to places where they feel no guilt or remorse, or responsibility. They are as Pink Floyd puts it “comfortably numb“. They’re in pain-free ‘La-La Land’ which they don’t want to leave.
Yapko reminded me of one of the most interesting aspects of affairs; the seductive lover’s ability to offer excitement and stimulation. That doesn’t mean that all cheaters are looking for new excitement and stimulation. However, those who end up cheating will be attracted to something more than sex with a stranger.
The ‘affair fog’ makes meaningful connection challenging if not impossible. You need your spouse. When they are ‘in the fog’, they are not available for you. When not available, they are not being responsible, or able to solve problems or even hear you out.
Choosing to put up with the affair fog, only allows it to continue. If you want to move forward with the recovery, you’ll have to move past the fog. The ebook, ‘Why He Cheats’ goes into further detail about the affair fog. Rather than wondering why your spouse changed, you can know why along with what you can do about it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
