Besides being a time for celebration, the holidays are often a time when you have to have ‘the talk’ about the affair. May of you may not know how to even begin approaching this topic, whether you’re the cheater or the betrayed.
With that in mind, I’ve put together a special checklist for having ‘the talk’ about an affair.
My inspiration for this was my middle son asking me, “Dad, have you written a how to admit to the affair article?” His question caught me by surprise. After a brief moment of fatherly stumbling and bumbling, I said “No, I have not”.
I promptly perfomred a google search on “How to admit to a ______” and was surprised at what I found. His insight that people search for how to admit to an affair was enlightening. In previous generations, some of what was seen as ‘common sense’ and ‘manning up’ now has to be explained and laid out step by step.
Some in previous generations knew what manhood and womanhood were about. In today’s society, many have forgotten what it means to keep your promises and own up to your responsibilities.
Here is my checklist for having ‘the talk’.
- Decide on a workable time and place that fits both of your schedules. There may be no ideal time and place, but rather something that works best.
- Turn off the phones and other distractions. The temptation to get distracted may run high. Reducing the risk of distractions is the best strategy (the 30 Days to a Better Marriage deals with this in greater detail).
- Speak truthfully about what happened, either what you did or what you found. A simple and direct approach works best. Call the affair what it is rather than dance around it (The Affair Crisis Webinar deals with why the name is important).
- Only ask one question at a time.
- Listen without getting defensive of yourself or others involved. This isn’t the time for making excuses.
- If you don’t know something tell them “I don’t know” rather than lie. This isn’t the time for bolstering your own ego.
- Take breaks as needed, with the understanding that the two of you will come back and pick up where things left off after an agreed upon period of time. If threats are made or the risk of aggression gets elevated, take a break.
- Wherever you talk, sit in chairs with a table between the two of you. I prefer the chairs to be diagonal from each other (I tell you why in the Affair Recovery Workshop).
- Take a breath and gather your thoughts before answering questions or asking questions.
Following these items will reduce the drama surrounding the talk. When the drama gets too intense, it’s you may find yourself going into the Affair Trauma mode. This is where the news is so traumatizing that you go into defensive functioning or shutdown and can’t get back to normal. If that’s the case, you’ll want the Affair Trauma webinar to help you understand what happened and how to get back to ‘normal’. You can calm yourself back down. You may need some extra help getting back to your regular self. Many people don’t know how to self-soothe after such a situation. This webinar will show you.
The ‘Affair talk’ changes your life, but it doesn’t have to ruin your life.
Best Regards,
Jeff
