It always pains me to hear “My spouse is sick and I have needs!” When illness, accident or disabilities hit, they often impact the marriage relationship.
When your sex life is touched by such events, you may have considered your options. In some of these cases, the hurting spouse is not wanting to be a burden. They feel their situation is burdensome and don’t want their spouse to suffer because of them.
The ill spouse often gives a ‘hall pass’ to their spouse to avoid guilt, pain and make them feel better. In many cases, the hall pass isn’t something that they would have wanted.
You may feel that you’re trapped and there are few options outside of the ‘hall pass’. It doesn’t help if you are bugging your hurting spouse for a ‘hall pass’.
The hall pass may ease your conscience for the moment, yet it still brings pain and loss into the relationship. You may be distracted by it, but that does not mean that it’s not hurting things.
The use of a hall pass, or exploiting the situation without a hall pass each strain the marital relationship. Granted, caring for your hurting spouse is a burden.
You may have forgotten the promise that you made about ‘in sickness and in health’. Although you viewed that promise as ‘situational’, it is not likely that your spouse did.
Yes, they’re sick, and now is the time that they need you, more than ever.
Instead of trying to find ways out of your commitments, you may need to look at ways that you can fulfill them. The circumstances put you into situations where you have to ‘think outside of the box’ in search of creative solutions not involving moral compromises affairs bring with them.
Questions about ill spouses and needs don’t have easy answers. They often require serious discussion and commitments.
In the support community at Restored Lifestyle, you’ll find a place where you can discuss such matters and other affair issues.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Despite this challenge which is often used for infidelity…I see that GOD commands us to self govern before marriage….starting with being aware that we do not have to ACT upon every appetite….nor do we have to be at the beck and call of every person and environment …thus keeping our minds and bodies from dictating by urges that we could have avoided that feed the senses with longings
It is very difficult when married and have had the enjoyment of closeness with one’s spouse to have to “put those longings and desires to sleep’ but it can be done and in fact ….despite the conditions where the person is capable but refusing to love or be nurturing we can live …and even be faithful in all ways to our spouses.
Keeping in mind the violation of another person who is the TEMPLE of the Lord …and belongs to HIM also is helpful …to USE someone in a way that grows a relationship that is violating the marriage vows….originally establishing our promise to loyalty to GOD and spouse…those who excuse their creating other relationships out of their needs is USING another person and involving them in a sinful relationship …simply because WE ‘need’ to have our ‘needs’ met.
Sex is NOT a ‘need’ ….it is an aspect that a marriage will be enriched by ALONG WITH the nurturing and responsible loving ways that are to also be included in the relationship and special arena of marriage ONLY.
Someone once put it in a more clear way to some who are devoid of seeing this as their responsibility and privilege
When a person has a child who is ‘defective’ in some way ….are they justified in rejecting or mistreating that child….are they justified in starving the child …of affection , care and physical sustaining aspects?
It is one of the arguments that would seem to justify abortion before birth but is labeled ‘abuse’ after birth!
When a person views other people as only valuable for their OWN life and ‘needs’ then there is little that one can expect from them except an entitled and self centered view of others …..no other purpose in life seems to have mattered except GETTING what they feel they ‘need’ or what they think they are ‘entitled ‘ to …and anyone who is hurt by that it is THEIR PROBLEM….if they were ‘stupid’ enough to agree to be part of that
In the adultery my husband committed for 14 years …when I included in my sharing with him the WRONGS [plural] to all ..including the OW …he replied that he felt no wrong against HER because she ‘settled’ !
There was no concern for HER SOUL …or all of what he did because she made that deal!
I say of course she was wrong …and even EVIL in intent…but that still did not make it OK …just because he found someone with so low a value system that he was not doing anything harmful TO HER!
Twisted minds….now he deals with many of the things he did and she did …that are showing up in the children she had….and he ‘addresses ‘ those things with the idea that “lying does not work out so well’ ….my daughter observed that in the ears of the child who is the product of BOTH parents who live their lives justifying lying …HOW is that HEARD ….simply the child may reason …”it did not work so well for you because you just were not good enough at it! ” as if the aim is to perfect lying so it ‘will work out better’ !
What a skewed method …without GOD as the REASON for our character training …there is little hope of arriving at the desired end.
Zaza,
It sounds like your husband has a mess to deal with. The children have already learned to say whatever in order to get their needs addressed. It sounds like lying has become another tool used to influence those around them.
I guess I will have to step back and watch since he WILL not hear the warnings and what I see coming ..even though he has SEEN much of what I told him [ from GOOD SENSE ! And Bible knowledge] what could be expected…..it is like the blinded men seeking the door at Lots house….the spirit drives people like cars…they seem to have NO mental perception of reality!