Choosing not to forgive causes division. Your choice not to forgive is causing more forgiveness than the cheating. When you are hurt, it is natural to pull away and avoid more hurt. What is not natural is the constant punish, then may them feel bad, then punish them some more followed up by having nothing to do with them mindset. How much condemnation of their cheating will be enough? It is natural to address this in the first weeks of finding out about the affair. If this has been going on for two or more months, then it has turned into a sadistic behavior. They know that you were hurt. They know that what they did was wrong. To continue condemning them and treating them like a second class human accomplishes little beyond satiating your unhealthy desire to inflict pain.
If you are continuing to blame after several months, then your blaming of them has now become a greater source of division than the affair. They were selfish to have an affair, you may be being self-righteous (another form of selfishness) in continuing to condemn, blame and punish them for it.
Keeping your marriage in division is not good for you, your spouse or the children. It is no fun being around those who cause division. In days gone by, those who caused division were often referred to as ‘trouble-makers’. Are you being the trouble-maker in your marriage?
Some questions to ask yourself are:
1. Do you often focus on past failures and when you were rejected?
2. Do you believe that you can never successfully get past the affair?
3. Are you disgusted with yourself?
4. Do you believe that the cheating has robbed you of any chance to ever be happy in your life again?
5. Do you view yourself as a ‘victim’?
6. Do you feel that the affair has ruined your life?
7. Do you believe that there is no way the cheater can ever put things right?
8. Do you believe that cheating is the WORST thing that could ever happen to you?
9. Do you hate the way you look?
10. Do you react with hostility to those who disagree with you?
If you answered yes, to a majority of these questions, your condemnation and rejection issues are a major source of division in your marriage. These areas are in need of attention.
If you want more information on the forgiveness issue, consider attending my upcoming webinar series on forgiving affairs. If you need more immediate help, consider the webinar on “Sure-Fire Secrets to Surviving Your Partner’s Affair“.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
