In a previous email, I mentioned how coach Johnny Wooden made it a point to focus on the basics or fundamentals. Another coach known for his emphasis on mastering the fundamentals is Vince Lombardi. Coach Lombardi came before Wooden and perhaps inspired him in this area. Lombardi would stress the fact that “Success is like anything worthwhile, it has a price. There’s a sacrifice and to get it you have to pay the price; ‘pay’ in effort, ‘pay’ in sweat! A lot of people talk about having things handed to them on a silver platter. You’ll find very few successful people who have it handed to them. If you want anything in this life, you have to work for it.”
The training camp for Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers started with him holding up a football and saying “This is a football”. The training program continued week after week focusing on mastering the basics. He knew that it was a game, people get excited, they get nervous, and they forget to do what they need to do.
Coach Lombardi knew from experience that getting the basics down correctly makes all the difference between a winning and a losing season. Although some of the players thought they already knew what a football was and the basic moves, over the years, they had grown sloppy. At one camp, a player named Max Magee raised his hand after the football comment. He smugly said, “Uh, Coach, could you slow down a little? You’re going too fast for us.”
Coach Lombardi smiled and continued on with the training. The players put aside their pride, and hurt feelings, choosing instead to master the basics. The coach’s training and focus on fundamentals led to winning seasons. Even today, the Lombardi victories are legendary. The Green Bay Packers consistently came through in the big games, even when everyone else was tired and worn out.
When it comes to marriages, it also helps when you focus on the basics. You may have to return to those basics rather than thinking you are beyond that. In the case of marriage, the basic piece is communication. When your communication is lousy, it cripples intimacy, limits what the two of you can accomplish, and intensifies conflicts. Ironically, many couples spend so little time developing their communication skills while taking other important things for granted.
Communication doesn’t occur in a vacuum. It takes two to tango and it also takes two to communicate clearly.
You may even view yourself as a ‘good communicator’ who can get your point across, unlike your spouse who you consider not as good as you. That makes you good at expressing yourself, but it does not make you a good communicator. If you truly were a good communicator, there would be good communication in your marriage, no matter how expressive your spouse is. A good communicator also listens.
You may be so good at ‘talking’ that there is no room for anyone else in conversations. That doesn’t make you a good communicator. Dominating the conversation does not equate to being a good communicator. It also sends a message to anyone around you about ‘how you really feel towards them’.
When it comes to mastering the basics of your relationship, you have to be humble and put your ego aside. Focus on what you can do to improve communication with your spouse. Listen more than you talk, and make sure that you understand their point of view before responding. Doing this will help improve your marriage and make it a successful one.
At times you may wonder, why your spouse didn’t talk to you. Could it be that you focused on expressing yourself to the point where you forgot the basics of communication? Could it be that you were so caught up in being the speaker that there was no room for the receiver?
Perhaps mastering the fundamentals is what your marriage needs. Those basic fundamentals make a huge difference when it comes time for you and your spouse to problem-solve or work through your issues. If you’re not talking, I assure you that you’re not working through the issues either.
The video “Hurting People and Healing Questions” goes over the fundamentals of communication. You need communication before you’ll be able to overcome the hurts and bring healing to your relationship.
It could be that when you think your relationship or life needs to “slow down a little” what you really need is a return to the fundamentals of communication.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
