Exonerating an event means that you erase the event as if it were gone. This can not happen with cheating. The cheater can be forgiven, but their actions can not. Acting like the affair never happened amounts to living in la-la land. The person may deny what happened, at the risk of loosing touch with reality.
If your spouse has cheated, no amount of forgiveness will remove the act of the affair. It happened. You can not act like it didn’t. Forgiving the cheater will allow you to reconcile the relationship, and begin working on your marriage. If you choose to ignore what happened, you are fooling yourself. You are at risk of detaching from reality. They cheated, they lied, they violated the promises they made to you. If you choose to exonerate the affair you do so at your own risk. You are putting blinders on that distort reality. Part of healing your marriage involves dealing with reality. You have to tell yourself the truth. part of that truth is being honest about what happened.
Over the coming months, I will be dealing with many aspects of ‘forgiveness’ in preparation for my upcoming webinar on “Cheating and Forgiveness”.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
10 Responses
How do get someone to STOP lying about affairs? I am desperate and seeking help everywhere to save my marriage. My wife may be a sexual addict “recovering” from mental, sexual and emotional abuse as a child. It is so tough working through this – she says she won’t “do it again” but I just recently discovered another indiscretion this past June. And things have seemed “normal” since then and she is all OVER me about honesty. I have snooped on her in the past and that is how i discovered her activity to start with. Jeff, I need help very badly . . .I don’t know what to do ~ and maybe this isn’t the forum for this but I’m new at reading your columns.
Mike,
Thank you for your comment and question. With you suspecting that your wife is a sexual addict, what you see as lying may be part of the denial. Given that she has a history of mental, sexual and emotional abuse as a child, you may be dealing with more of a post-traumatic disorder type of situation rather than an affair problem. The affairs may be a symptom of a bigger problem rather than the problem itself.
In terms of lying, assuming it is a trauma based situation, it is going to take longer to reduce the lying. The lying is part of the way she has coped with the pain. In extreme cases, the lying can become so extreme that it is as if you are dealing with a whole other person. Persons struggling through such problems may react with anger to hearing the truth. It is going to be important for her to feel safe, before she stops the lying With that in mind, pick the battles or situation that you have to confront carefully, until she feels safe. Learn how to read her behaviors, so that you will know when she is lying. Learn her patterns and use them to understand her.
There are more steps, but this will get you started.
Best Regards,
Jeff
HI Jeff and thank you for the quick response ~ she DOES get angry when confronted with the truth. We’ve been through this before a couple years ago and she’s promised and promised that it wouldn’t happen again, but it has. Once that I can document within the last 4 months ~ are there more times? I can’t answer that. All I know is that for now, my trust is completely shattered. I looked into her eyes and saw the most loving, tender caring person. And she was lying right to my face. I could cry my eyes out right now because I don’t know how to recover from this AGAIN! I wasnt truly over it the first time becasue her behavior left me with the feelng that it would happen again . . . .and I was right. I too lied, because I said I wouldn’t look in her phone, but I just knew the proof was in there. So she will roast me for looking at her phone, proclaim that “we BOTH LIED”, and expect me to call it even and start over again. I don’t know if i can but I love her with all my heart.
Confused and hurt doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel . . . . . .
Mike,
Remember that victims of abuse had to learn to lie in order to survive. For them, it is a way of life. They do not look at lying as if it were abnormal. The rules of their world are topsy-turvey from others. Their logic will be 180 degrees from yours. If you keep that in mind, it will help you understand them and what they are going through.
right now, I’m just really torn between trying to find the strength to keep helping her, being supportive, compassionate and understanding (once AGAIN) ~ and telling her that enough is enough and if she wants a marriage with MORE THAN ONE MAN involved, then I”m out!! I will not tolerate an open marriage. While it may be ok for some, it’s not fine with me. I feel angry, betrayed, I miss her and want to hug her at the same time. I know my love is strong or I owuld have bailed the last time, and I’m trying to understand how things that happened 35+ years ago, still keep her from making good decisions now? this last “fling” wasn’t a spur-of-the-minute thing……it was carefully planned out at least 10 days ahead of time with a lot of communication. SHE HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO REALIZE WHAT SHE WAS DOING AND STOP IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED. But she didn’t. Her respect for our marriage and feelings for me, once againwere not as attractive or important as a roll in the hay with some other guy who couldn’t care less about anything except getting in her pants!
I’m sorry – i just found out about her last adventure a few hours ago and I’m really, really upset and I know I need to cool off before doing or saing anything. I just want someone to tell me WHAT I should say, and I suppose nobody can . . . . . .I can understand why people do stupid stuff.
Mike,
You may want to read this hub page which I did on issues that pertain to your situation. http://hubpages.com/hub/InfidelityIs-it-an-affair-or-sex-addiction . It may clear up some questions and give you a starting place.
I’ll go check the link above. Also I just sent an email with questions regarding telephone counseling.
I’m going to check the above link and see what it’s all about. Thank you so much for thiw quick on-the-spot dialogue. I’ll be right up front with you, I’m REALLLLLY STRUGGLING with this deal this time around. this is the second time (that I’ve CAUGHT her) and I just don’t know how i can ever trust again. Or even if I should
I read the link and it does have some pretty good stuff in there. nagging question in the back of my mind though, is what can I possibly do to encourage her to seek counseling? she just gets angry and bitter at the suggestion. I thnk we REALLY need it to get through this. and I don’t know what I can do to get her to STOP seeing other people when it’s something she gets SOOO much enjoyment from, and she KNOWS that I can’t “watch over her” or be by her side 24/7 !! ??? She’ll take a vacation day to meet someone or fake a Dr appt at work. I need help ~
I know this is more than three years old, but I am experiencing similar words and attitudes. Is it worth it to continue? I am trying more than she is.
John,
Your question “Is it worth it to continue?” is always a tough question. It often tears me up when people ask me that. I know that you are hurting, and tired of hurting. There is not a one size fits all or answers all response. Your spouse may be worth the effort of trying more than she is, or it may be time to consider cutting your losses. When faced with such dilemmas, my own tendency is to honor your marriage vows and consider her worth the effort. My latest e-book (which there is a free download on the site) deals with the issue of “Is There any hope” for spouses like yourself who are wondering ‘what else can I do?’. Many times there may be blind spots that you do not see. You spouse may also be looking for a ‘real’ change in attitude. I have also seen situations where the straying spouse want to see that you feel the pains that they have been experiencing. In such cases, they are wanting their pain and hurt validated. I do not know which of these scenarios applies to your situation. You may want to pray for guidance and seek the counsel of good friends as to whether or not she is worth it and whether it is ‘worth it to continue’. They will know you and what you can handle better than I do.
-All the Best,
Jeff