From some of the emails I’ve received, there are some of you facing questions concerning what to do about the ex-spouse. Although the old marriage is over, there are some spouses who never accept that it’s over.
This is one of the tough challenges facing blended families. When the ex refuses letting go, it creates problems.
Exes test boundaries! The testing is natural. They want to know where they stand and how strong the protective boundaries are surrounding your marriage.
Those tests come in various forms.
One of the ways boundaries are tested is when the ex attempts sleeping with their former spouse. At times the ex initiates the seduction, at other times, your spouse may be the one starting it up.
This brings up the question, “Is sleeping with the ex an affair?”
When exes are slept with, its’ adultery. Since their marriage is over, any continued sexual relations are adulterous.
No matter what they call it or try excusing it, what happened was an affair.
Their minds may still be functioning as if the marriage still exists. They may even rationalize sleeping with them thinking that there’s something legitimate about it.
Boundaries only work when they are defined and respected. Exes sleeping with each other violates the boundaries of your marriage.
Since sleeping with your ex is an affair, you’ll need to treat it that way. Treating it as anything less than an affair is asking for trouble. Going back one more time is crossing a line and eating forbidden fruit.
Call it an “affair” and handle it like an affair. Compromising by allowing it weakens your marriage.
Treating sleeping with the ex like an affair may sound like overkill. I assure you, it’s not. Sleeping with the ex produces the same effects as an affair, only with added confusion.
Once you and your spouse admit that it’s an affair and call it an affair, the two of you can start working on recovering from it. The “Affair Recovery Workshop” gives you the tools you need in overcoming the affair and its effects, even when the affair is sleeping with the ex.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
The fact that this is questionable is concerning! Cheaters can skew just about anything! Justification!
David,
It’s good hearing from you. It is concerning that some question whether sleeping with the ex is an affair. Although some questions seem obvious to me, one thing I have learned is that common sense is not so common.
Jeff
Actually you have quite wrong biblically. Our Lord and savior said 4 time remarriage is adultery. The f first marriage is the only true marriage. All other marriages are adultery. So while in their second marriage, they are actually commiting adultery. Now, is Jesus says a holy sAcrament is adultery then that who I am going to listen to. He never said remarriage was ok, he said reconcile or remain unmarried. That didn’t change and it doesn’t now.
Lewis,
Thank you for sharing your insights. I thought I was clear in pointing out that sleeping with your ex is adultery (“When exes are slept with, its’ adultery. Since their marriage is over, any continued sexual relations are adulterous.”) I’m not sure how much clearer I could be.
I agree with you on your many points about marriage. Biblically, remarriage is not approved of. In touching on the topic, I was bringing light to a topic that some readers are not clear on.
I am curious as to where you see me ‘quite wrong biblically’. I’m not sure what point you are addressing. If you could clear that up, I’ll be glad to respond.
I see the above point in that if I were to divorce my wife related to adultery, then any future marriage for her would be considered adultery. If I read the Bible correctly. Now I understand your point being if I remarried, but went back to my ex wife, that would be adultery.
David,
I’m glad you see that. I have encountered situations where a couple divorced, then remarried their exes. Although such situation seem extreme, they happen.
In the minds of those remarrying their exes, they see it as no big deal. They feel like it’s one big do-over.
Best Regards,
Jeff