Cheating does not always make sense. The very nature of ‘cheating’ involves trying to get what you want without abiding by the rules. The cheater often believes that the rules do not apply to them. They often see themselves as ‘exceptions’ to the rules. This is important to keep in mind when you are trying to talk to them. You may try to reason with them, but since they either see themselves as exceptions or too smart to get caught, your reasoning will have limited results.
The very nature of cheating has the cheater thinking in terms of the short-term consequences. Yes, they may have long term dreams and fantasies, but in terms of the consequences, they only consider the short-term. So talking to them about the consequences will often only produce glazed over looks or a deer-in-the-headlight phenomena. They do not consider long-term impact of their choices. Had they considered the long term, they would not have done what they did. They are living for today. They are living for immediate gratification. Talking to them about the long term will be akin to speaking a foreign language.
Although they do not consider the consequence, they are not illogical. There is a logic to what they are doing. You may not understand it or agree with it, but it is there. It takes a courageous spouse to attempt understanding the logic of the affair, from the viewpoint of the cheater. You have to be willing to hear what you do not want to hear, or even agree with. You will have to realize that they are living their lives from a different perspective. The logic is often distasteful and hard to face. Whether you like it or not, that is their way of looking at things and doing things. Once you understand the logic, you will know what you are dealing with. It may be something more than poor impulse control or dissatisfaction with you.
For more on surviving your partners affair, including a chapter on understanding the dynamics of them, obtain a copy of the e-book, “Surviving Your Partner’s Affair”
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
