I saw an ad the other day promoting a 007 marathon, which made me think about spying as it relates to cheating. A common question concerns whether or not they should spy on the suspected cheater.
With technology making spying easier, it’s a topic needing attention. You can now use GPS trackers, keystroke loggers and smart phone apps in monitoring someone’s behaviors.
Spying is a touchy issue, since it sends a STRONG message that you have trouble with trust. In all honesty, trust is an issue.
Anytime you have to even consider spying, there are trust issues at work.
This is why it’s imperative that you frame spying as a tool for increasing your ability to trust them.
Some cheaters react passionately to not being trusted. Much of this is projection on their part.
They know they’ve violated your trust, which awakens a sensitivity to trust related issues. This awakened sensitivity shows up with them overreacting to you not trusting them.
Trust is seen as sacrosanct, as well it should.They are half right on this point.
The cheater may pin you down on trust-related issues claiming “You don’t trust me!” If you approach the situation from that position, you may have trouble defending what you did.
If, on the other hand, you cite issues like the distance that has surfaced in the relationship and how you want to be closer to them, it changes the argument. When you feel threatened due to them pulling away and having fear of loosing them, it comes across better than you not trusting their low-life actions and secrets.
Although you still spied, the motivation for spying is different. When discussing affairs and making the initial accusations and confrontations about cheating, how it is approached does make a difference.
If the cheater is cornered, they will fight. When they’re on the defensive, they’ll fight, deny or both. Having the right approach and attitude makes all the difference when you are wanting straight answers.
Spying is risky. Your response to when they find out about the spying can make all the difference in how things are taken and its impact on trust in the relationship.
If your marriage struggles with trust issues, consider the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?” It could be that some of the trust issues can be resolved without technology.
If you steel need technology helps, then the video will help salvage what trust remains. Technology is a powerful tool, yet you need additional help with the emotional and relational pieces.
Best Regards,
Jeff
