She was nearly in tears at that point, “I just want someone to talk to me”. Janet continued talking about her marriage. From her pained voice, she was hurting in desperation.
While listening to her, my mind remembered hearing “I just want someone to talk to me” being used in excusing affairs. I lost count of how many spouses mentioned wanting attention or someone who talks to them or listens to them.
In listening to Janet, you might think that her spouse never talked to her. This time, her husband was there. Steve had heard this before. Over the years he tried talking with her, but Janet did not want to be talked with, she wanted someone to ‘listen’ to her. She wanted an audience, while making it sound like she was emotionally deprived.
She liked talking. She liked telling people things. She also rarely listened to Steve. Whatever he shared was either ignored or dismissed as trivial. Janet’s idea of talk is one-sided. She wants to talk and wants others to listen. Calling it communication makes it sound ‘acceptable’ and smoother on the conscience.
What she said could fool many therapists. She uses many of the right words, yet mean something totally different. She wanted one-sided communication, yet made it sound like two-sided communication.
She thought her statement was about communication. Janet did not realize what real communication for a couple is. That is why I have included powerful communication tools and techniques in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Janet’s tears could be turned on or off at will. She also turned on the quiver in her voice on demand. Over the years, she mastered emotional performance. It occurred to me that when someone masters performance, they are really seeking an audience.
How many affairs start with one spouse wanting an audience rather than a relationship? The cheater finds someone who is willing to be an audience giving applause and praise at needed times. By saying “I just want someone to talk to me” is then played making them appear to be the deprived victim.
When you hear, “I just want someone to talk to me” means something very different.
Best Regards,
Jeff
