One of the biggest danger of old flames is that social network sites pour gasoline on those relationships. What was once over and done with suddenly erupts into reignited feelings. If your spouse is reconnecting with many old flames, there is a potential danger. Not every relationship is a danger. Some truly pose no threat. To be safe work with your spouse on who is acceptable and who is not acceptable on the list of ‘friends’.
One of the reasons that this danger erupts is that when we have relationships, the neurons are rewired. Each new relationship develops new connections in our brain. Although your spouse may have been out of contact with that person for years, the connections in their brain have remained there. Once connections are made, you cannot purge the cache of their existence. These connections lie dormant until something triggers them into firing. It may be an old song or old memory. Once fired, they grow in intensity each time they are turned on. With former relationships that were of limited duration and intensity, there is not a major risk. Relationships that were intensely strong do pose potential threats. Once turned on, the feelings they had before return. In cases where people have self-control, it is not a problem. In cases where self-control is limited or impaired, you have a potential threat.
Do not ignore the friend list (or fiend list) on social network sites. There may be dangers there in broad daylight. The best way to deal with this is to know your spouse and talk with them.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
This is exactly what happened to my husband. They were high school sweethearts and were separated when her family moved away. They remained a couple, but she found someone else after a year and broke it off. Then he started dating me, and he says he never thought about her. 28 years later, their alumni association started planning a big celebration and circulated everyone’s email addresses. They found each other and within a week were writing love letters to each other. It turned into a six-year affair. I don’t know if I will really be able to get past this. My husband is begging me to stay, but I am utterly consumed by it.
That is a perfect illustration of the danger of old flames. With social network sites, this type of phenomena happens more frequently and occurs easier than years before.