On occasion I receive emails from the lovers. I recently received one where she pointed out “…so much of what you wrote (and what I’ve seen so many others write) is just not accurate.”
Oddly enough, her comments were in response to a post on the difficulties involved in breaking off the relationship with a married man back from 2015. Typically posts looking at affairs from the lover’s perspective are lightning rods for comments.
In the 2015 post, I shared, “You’ll also lose hopes and dreams of what could’ve been’.
For some of you, it’s a mere goodbye, for others it is about denying yourself and feeling a part of yourself shrivel up and watching your dreams die. Ending relationships is always harder than starting them.”
I’m not sure what’s not accurate about such items. Perhaps her reaction was about how ‘money, sex and affection’ don’t make for solid relationships, or the broken promises the cheater makes.
Without her being specific, it’s hard for me to know where I haven’t been accurate. She went on with her comment, “We just always had bad timing. I knew him BEFORE he married – back when I was married. We have long had feelings for each other. By the time I divorced HE had married. It’s complicated. But I love him. I know he loves me. And he loves his wife, too. In fact, they have a pretty good relationship even though she doesn’t know thing about me.”
Her comments with ‘bad timing’ sure sounds like hopes and dreams of what could’ve been to me. It also sounds like her relationship still remains a huge secret and has been for over 15 years.
Let me get this right, she tells me she has a great life, he has a great marriage and they’ve been in this clandestine relationship for over fifteen years. If you have to keep your relationship secret, it doesn’t sound healthy or great to me.
Affairs are often justified with the phrase “but I love him”. Somehow telling yourself that makes the affairs and keeping secrets alright in your own mind.
She may view my comments as ‘not accurate’, yet her description of the affair relationship still sounds like something clandestine happening behind the unsuspecting wife’s back. In my world when relationships have to be kept secret, they are not in the best interest of the marriage.
Secrecy weakens marriages. I feel for the unsuspecting wife who operates under the fantasy that ‘all is well’, when he continues his peccadilloes with an old flame.
Your marriage may be one of those where you don’t suspect anything and are about to be broadsided. This is where having a support group to help you through such tough times comes in handy.
When the secrets are out and you need help, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you can share with others without having to be looking around to see what other secrets are about to engulf you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
