When news of the affair comes into the open, it brings discomforting tension and drama. Although it may bring relief to the cheater, that news brings stress to the betrayed.
This stress is hard to live with or ignore. Things grow so tense that others actually feel it on visiting your home or talking with you.
One frequent reaction to that tension is to start blaming. You may even start blaming yourself as a way or reducing the tensions you experience.
When the blaming starts, some spouses turn it into a game that two can play. Blaming may temporarily cut the tension, yet it doesn’t solve the problems.
I want to share with you what one reader who caught her partner cheating while going through his phone, wrote about this phenomena. She wrote, “He was angry and still is and blamed me for going through his phone. I told him he should of told me he ‘was looking’ and ended our relationship. If he had nothing to hide it wouldn’t of mattered.”
Situations like this happen more times than I would like. The cheater uses anger and blaming in shifting the tension to the betrayed. He turns his affair into a matter where she is violating his privacy by looking through his phone.
‘Shifting the blame’ like this is a powerful tool used by many cheaters in avoiding responsibility. The game needs to stop before you make any forward progress in your marriage.
The sad part is that some of you who’ve been betrayed start believing what the cheater tells you. You reactively start apologizing for going through his phone or discovering the affair.
Although accepting the blame cuts the tension, it doesn’t help repair your marriage. If anything it pushes each of you further away from each other.
If you were a member of the Restored Lifestyle group, you’ d know ways of changing the communication habits being used. You’d also know ways of moving past the blaming patterns
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
