Infidelity: Is it love or love addiction?

Is the Affair Love or Love Addiction?

When you start a new relationship, even an affair, there is excitement. In the case of an affair, there is the excitement of learning about someone new along with the excitement that goes with engaging in activities that are seen as secret or ‘forbidden’.

You experience an adrenalin rush by doing enjoying doing something that is ‘forbidden’. You have a sudden rush of excitement. The reality of enjoying the taboo is even validated in the Bible even mentions that “bread eaten in secret is sweet“.

There’s something about engaging in that which forbidden which you find alluring. You have the excitement of a new relationship PLUS the additional adrenalin rush of doing something taboo. This double dose of excitement makes the experience very emotionally intense.

The strong intensity of emotions, besides making you feel good, has some other effects. The extra strong intensity or double-dose, often triggers reactions in the brain chemistry.

This double-dose of excitement is caused by a combination of neurons sending out chemical messages combined with secretions being made by glandular systems as well. The excitement you feel is actually about brain chemistry.

Modern science is finding that the ideas that have been known in addiction communities for many years does have solid biological foundations. The changes in brain chemistry begin a process where you may want that level same double-dose of stimulation again.

Without a lengthy explanation of the brain chemistry involved in “falling in love”, the simple explanation is you enjoys the feel-good sensation and want more of it.

Signs & Symptoms of Love Addiction

Confusing love and sex
Unable to concentrate due to the power of obsessive thoughts
Looking for someone to “fix” or take care of you
Poor boundaries with others
Talking seductively
Frequent use of double meaning words
Cosmetic surgery
Unwanted tattoos
Getting high from romance
Compulsive contact with x-spouse or former partners
Angry outburst when threatened with abandonment
Preferring fantasy to reality
STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)
Dressing provocatively
Frequent use of role play in sex life
Feeling worthless without a partner
Excessive jealousy

Rapid weight fluctuations

It is not unusual that when in acute withdrawal that love addicts show physical symptoms. These may include the following;

vomiting or diarrhea
anxiety
depressed mood
joint pain
body aches
confusion
cramps
memory problems
concentration problems
crying spells
low energy
obsessive thinking
sensitive skin

If you are one of those who want ‘more’ of those feel-good sensations, you may find that the high of the sensation is actually stronger than your desire for the person you want the relationship with. The desire for more’, is what often leads to the development of addictions to love and affairs.

If you find yourself repeating certain behaviors over and over with the intention of seeking after a particular sensation to where the drive for the sensation takes over, you may need to evaluate what is going on.

Although it sounds extreme to some segments of the population, there is a phenomena known as love addiction”. Those afflicted with it are often seeking the strong blast of feel good brain chemicals associated with falling in love rather than the long term commitment. They are chasing the ‘high’ that goes with love rather than love itself.

Here is how the mind of a love addict works.

When they see a perspective person, they begin fantasizing. The fantasies are replayed repeatedly. They picture themselves with their target person. They feel driven that they ‘must have’ that person, no matter what. Even if they are married, or it puts their health at risk, they must have their target person.

The fantasies are often accompanied by purchases associated with a new relationship. They may use terms like “they are the love of my life” or “they make life worth living’. Such statements often exaggerate the significance of the relationship.

Even before they meet the love of their life’, their adrenalin and other brain chemicals are working overtime after being triggered by expectations. Their fantasies about what the new lover will be like, propels them into an emotional frenzy.

Even though they may have never met the person they fantasize about, in their mind, Mr/Mrs Wonderful will make all things roses and sunshine. The fantasy person will fix all their huts.

These people find themselves reacting without thinking. Their thinking often becomes obsessive. While in this state, they are in a form of hypnotic trance. These love addicts are more focused on romance than sex.

With the love/romance addict, there are often periods when they will swear off relationships. This is only temporary. Soon they find the right person and they are once again in the midst of extreme behaviors. They never seem to learn from their mistakes and repeat a relationship binge and purge cycle.

Some love addicts report being ‘bored’ with traditional relationships, and actively seek out extreme relationships. What these love addicts find is that they often discover that they excuse dangerous or unacceptable behaviors and keep seeking relationships that are ‘more’ extreme.

They find themselves drawn to partners that are increasingly abusive and cling to those relationships despite the possible dangers.
The Reality of Sexual Addiction

“Addictions can only exist where there are contradictions“-Patrick Carnes

“All sins tend to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is damnation“.
-W. H. Auden

Understanding love addicts and sexual addicts is important in dealing with affairs. Love addiction appears more with females, whereas sexual addictions are more prevalent among males.

These are not exclusive categories, just gender prevalence with them. In each case, the stimulation of hormones are a major factor in their addictions.

The hormone phenylethlamine (PEA) is a major culprit in these addictive processes. Although PEA is a major factor, other hormones also play a role in the development of addictions.Some of the other hormones include dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine.

Together they form a powerful chemical cocktail that changes human behavior. Along with changing the behavior, they change the way you think and feel.

Often times the affair is not driven by a dislike of the spouse, but rather by the addictive processes driven by the hormones mentioned above, that are going on with their spouse. Responding to such compulsive behavior as in the love addict or sex addict requires a different approach than dealing with someone who is looking to scratch a seven year itch.

Although the public often jokes about sex addicts, those afflicted with sex or love addiction suffer miserably. Sexual acts are about performing and seeking a release as part of a cycle rather the enjoyment of enjoying another person in the act of love.

Speaking of brain chemicals, a major component of affairs involves the changes in the brain and the release of brain chemicals. This is why the Affair Recovery Workshop includes interventions based on re-training the brain which I refer to as the ‘direct connect’ method along with rebuilding your marriage relationship.

Ignoring what is happening in the brain only addresses part of the problems going on.

Best Regards,

Jeff