One of the elements affairs have in common is ‘betrayal’. Betrayal is an experience the betrayer excuses while the betrayed resents.
Experiencing betrayal is bad enough. Getting honest with yourself about how you were betrayed is grueling, but critical to affair recovery.
Without that honest look at the betrayal, you can easily fall victim to it yet again. Your blind spot may keep you from seeing it again.
What makes getting honest about how you were betrayed difficult is that you start feeling stupid and dumb at how it happened. You blame yourself for believing the promises made to you.
Although the honest self-evaluation is painful, it helps you understand what happened and how it occurred. It’s easy blaming everything on the one who betrayed you. They did you wrong, there is no excusing what they did.
Getting honest with yourself about how you ended up believing their promise is what helps you start taking the blinders off. The blinders that keep you from seeing yourself and the cheater realistically.
If you really want honesty, it’s not limited to one person. You can’t say you want honesty and them limit who it touches to only a select few.
When honesty starts coming in, like a rising tide, it touches everyone in either a helpful or harmful way.
If you’re truly honest with yourself, there are probably patterns of betrayal in your life, not just one. The affair is likely one in a series of betrayal events.
Moving past the betrayal also requires you face the future and put the betrayal behind you. Instead of continuing the process of beating yourself up over it, learn how it happened so that you can make needed changes.
When you start talking about how you were betrayed, you’ll start seeing new options. Each time you see a little more along with better ways of avoiding future betrayals.
Honesty is just one of the ingredients of Trust. It’s also important that the honesty you have is the healthy kind of honesty.
The unhealthy kind of honesty comes across as ‘cruelty’ or meanness. Misapplying honesty is one of the mistakes some couples make when trying to rebuild trust in their marriage.
Is your honesty the healthy or unhealthy kind? If you don’t know, ask your spouse, they’ll tell you.
If your honesty needs work, the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” will help you develop the healthy kind of honesty. It also shows you the other key ingredients in re-establishing trust in your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
