It started off innocently enough. After meeting her over the phone, we developed a good rapport. Eventually I asked her out.
I picked her up for the date. We went for dinner followed by some miniature golf. The conversation flowed and we enjoyed each other’s company.
It was only after she invited me into her apartment she revealed she was a married woman. There had been no indications or hints of her marital status prior to that moment.
Her announcement shocked me. I would have never asked a married woman out on a date.
Inside, I was wanting to run away from the whole thing. I couldn’t wait to get back into my car and leave.
That episode from my dating days showed me how quickly and easily things can get out of hand. I also experienced what is involved in stepping away from what could’ve turned into an affair.
Even after becoming a therapist, I’ve faced situations that could have easily gone sideways.
One of the hazards of the counseling profession is the phenomena known as ‘transference’. This happens when someone develops a strong emotional attachment to you from you working with them.
Since the client doesn’t know you or much about you, their emotional attachment is a type of infatuation. Fortunately I was trained in handling when someone of the opposite sex has strong transference feelings for me.
Sure enough, transference comes and goes. I’ve seen clients infatuated with me and exhibit non-verbal cues of their feelings. Although I’m flattered by their reactions, I know it’s not real, nor is it why they came to see me in the first place.
Like someone trained in the martial arts, my training included handling transference situations. I was taught what to look for and ways of dealing with those feelings.
So when those situations came, rather than give into baser passions, I knew what to do. I followed my training and navigated safely through those situations.
Many therapists, preachers, doctors, professors, officers, nurses, teachers and other helping professions mistake transference for love. They mistake the infatuation of transference for love.
Confusing the infatuation for transference has led many people down the slippery slope of affairs. They never intended for things to get out of hand, but one thing led to another.
The helpers want to be loved and think what is staring them in the face is ‘love’. What scares me is that most of these professions don’t train you in handling transference feelings and the temptations that come with it.
They’re caught unaware. Strong feelings are expressed. They think they’re in love, and soon find themselves physically involved.
Strong feelings don’t automatically mean you’re in love. They mean that there’s something about that relationship that’s triggering older emotional reactions.
I know how easy it is falling down the slippery slope of becoming a cheater. That’s why I created my latest video “Cheater Recovery: Help for the Cheater Starting the Road to Recovery“. It helps cheaters with the challenges of recovering from what happened. Click and download the video today.
You can start the healing process rather than continue hiding and concealing what happened and its effects.
The video covers disclosure, what happens in the cheater’s brain along with ways of handling the testing that comes after disclosure.
An affair doesn’t have to ruin your marriage or your life.
You can take that important step of initiating recovery from the affair. It may have started under innocent circumstances. Things can get out of hand quickly.
Although things can go sideways quickly, you can start the recovery process today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
