Yesterday my email touched on the topic of having conversations with the lover, with several reasons for not going down that road.
Since it’s such a high drama topic, it needs further attention. Before you unload on the lover, or hunt them down there are some things you want to consider.
First, seeking out the lover for a conversation changes the relationship dynamics. When you do it, in many cases, you are assuming the role of a parent speaking up for your child being irresponsible.
Speaking or intervening for them may make you feel in control or protective, yet it infantalizes the cheater. They can continue being irresponsible as you take over responsibility for them.
It’s their mess. They need to clean it up. Cleaning it up for them teaches them irresponsibility. It also sets the stage for further problems.
In healthy marriages each spouse assumes responsibility for their actions. This includes affairs. Consider having the cheater call the lover and end things in front of you. Have them take the necessary actions for ending things.
When the cheater faces the mess they created, they experience the consequences of their choices. When you intervene, you keep them from facing the full force behind the consequences.
Some spouses need the discomfort of facing consequences. Their discomfort motivates them in making changes.
Secondly, although adults should settle matters like the reasonable adults they are. This means dealing directly with the person you have issues with. In routine matters, this is true. When it comes to affairs, you need to give yourself permission for an exception.
In the case of affairs, the cheater needs to take the initiative for the hard talks. If they need additional support from you, provide it. What is to be avoided is doing it for them.
This is where membership in the Restored Lifestyle site can help you navigate your way through tough affair situations.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
