Perfectionists make me nervous. I once had a family member who was a stickler for perfection. Whenever I visited her home, it felt like I was being scrutinized in a museum. No dust, no crumbs, everything had to be just right.
Perfectionism comes from the Latin word “perfectio,” meaning “completeness.” Perfectionists aim for flawlessness and order. They aren’t satisfied with mediocrity or almost getting it right; they want everything to be exactly as they envision it.
I recall visiting my wife’s aunt, who was a perfectionist. Her home was impeccably clean, from the pristine white carpet to the meticulously organized objects on display. I can’t recall her ever saying “Make yourself at home.” She did not want me to make myself at home, instead, she wanted me to stay within the designated areas.
Though I liked her, visiting her felt more like an exam than a casual visit with family. It was like being a guest in a museum rather than a loved one. In her home, everything had a designated spot and was carefully arranged.
In such an environment, everything felt tense and strict. There was no room for anyone to be human or make mistakes.
Now let’s talk about affair recovery. I know you’re seeking recovery. But ask yourself, is your main focus on achieving perfection or on the journey of healing?
Despite your efforts to do everything right, do you find that your world is still falling apart?
Do you constantly worry about what others may think if they were to discover your secrets?
Are you always searching for faults in yourself and others just so you have someone to blame when things go wrong?
If you expect perfection from yourself or from the cheater, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and strained relationships. Recovering from an affair is messy and it doesn’t always go exactly as planned, no matter what the books say.
Instead of striving for perfection, why not just focus on doing your best? Forgive yourself for not being flawless and accept that recovery is a journey that takes time.
Instead of fixating on achieving perfection in your recovery, celebrate the small victories you’ve had since starting this process.
Real life has its ups and downs. Progress for real couples is filled with both advancements and setbacks.
I bring up this point because many spouses expect perfection from the cheater, which only adds to their performance anxiety and creates tension in your home.
Reality is never a straight line – it’s full of twists and turns. However, if you have realistic expectations of the recovery process, you can get through it.
This type of expectation places more importance on behavior than on attitude. While it’s great if the cheater is doing all the right things in terms of visible actions, their attitude and mindset matter more. It’s also crucial for recovery that you accept your spouse, even when they’re not perfect.
In our downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop,” you’ll discover ways to improve communication and overcome defenses without the pressure of expecting perfection. The workshop also addresses expectations and their impact on your marriage.
When your focus is on recovery, both you and your spouse can feel better about your marriage and the direction you’re headed.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
