When shame no longer works you have problems. In previous generations, shame often kept would-be cheaters from doing something that they would regret. Shame also kept cheaters from repeating their actions. There were occasional shameless or brazen persons who flaunted their affairs with no regrets. Fortunately the number of the brazen were few. With contemporary morals you have less shame to restrain behaviors. Behaviors that were once considered ‘shameful’ are now flaunted. When shame no longer restrains their behavior, their hearts have become hardened.
It would not do any good for me to tell you what I think caused this problem. The reality is that some of you are having to deal with it, and you want answers about what to do. When a cheater has lost their emotional sensitivity and restraint of shame, then they only listen to pain. Having to see your spouse in pain is a mixed bag. There are parts of you that want revenge and want to see them suffer, while another part wants them not to hurt. Both of these extremes as to be avoided. You want to be able to see them in pain out of the motivation of love. You want the best for them, NOT revenge. When your dealing with a hard-hearted cheater, pain is the best option you have. The pain is not about punishing, but rather about getting their attention. You will want to avoid threatening them. The pain will need to have its ‘perfect work’ and wake them up to what is going on and awaken their emotional sensitivity once again.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
For more on dealing with affairs, purchase a copy of my e-book on Surviving Your Partner’s Affair
5 Responses
Million $$$$ question ….. How do you inflict pain when you are trying to win someone back. If they know you caused them pain..and the OM provides pleasure, their choice becomes clearer to not address the. issue. This is soooo difficult. She is narcistic and the most fun wins…. if I am the pain man, I’m gone ….. any suggestions….there is no.consequences to her actions. She has both of us wrapped around her finger and my kids and I are suffering ….
itsbeen so long,
The dynamics of your situation make it tough with the lover being the pleasure person and you being the pain-inducer. Although it is tough, it is not impossible.
The place to start is with allowing the natural consequences to take effect. Rather than protecting them from pain, allow them to feel it. When discussing matters with them be careful not to make comments or statements that take away or reduce their pain.
You will want to use many open-ended questions when talking with them. The goal is to get them out of passive mode and awaken their conscience. At this point only pain can achieve that. The tricky part is letting them know what you are feeling and experiencing without blaming them for it. They often get defensive with blame and accusations.
For example “I feel empty when you are not here. At times it leaves me feeling like an unwanted child who is crying out for love and home to go to” is much better than “You make me sick. Your slutting around leaves me feeling abandoned”.
Once you let her know what you feel, be quiet. Let the emotions sink in. DO NOT ramble on or address other issues. Let that one sink in. She needs to feel, rather than have her mind distracted by other issues.
If it helps your marriage, it is worth more than the Million $$$$s.
I’ve NEVER done the “you make me sick , whore thing” always calm asking her to stop. Explaining consequences, pain to me and kids, loving . She just keeps working to hide better and be normal and loving with me and the family on evenings and weekends.
Every work day they communicate and meet. Then weekends and evenings are my time and are good and normal as long as I don’t bring it up… she has no compassion, empathy, or care for anyones feelings.
During the initial discovery and confrontation ( over two years ago)
I’ve heard..I just want to have fun… you don’t understand my feelings..you only want to have sex with me so I don’t have it with someone else. Then crazy stories about how it wasn’t her but a friend whom she took to be with him… any ridiculous lie…..even when I see them together…she denies it.. Very defensive and protective if I even go there …Even if I personally catch them together with evidence. She just dismisses it and tries to have a normal.fun time with me and the family. Of course I’m furious inside… but she won’t acknowledge it Initially she would want to leave..divorce. now that she knows im just going to be nice and work with her to stop, she just blows it off or gets upset if I say nice things…or bring it up she needs to get out of fog.she needs help. She comes across as the most normal person in the world to others. She would never be thought of as someone who could lie. Or do any of this… I’m about to tell everyone .let the cards fall. …
itsbeen so long,
I am relieved that you are not the “you make me sick…” type of person. From what you wrote, your wife has two vulnerable areas related to her cheating as seen by her defensiveness and her getting upset. Those areas are when you catch them together and bring it up and when you are nice to her. Getting her out of the fog will require you and her to ‘get real’ and face reality. As long as things continue going like they are, little will change. (When you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you keep getting what you’ve got). You have two clear areas where her denial is not working so well. The strong reactions are often indications of where she is vulnerable and has the potential of being real.
Dear DrJeff,
I have been very concerned about ‘itsbeen so long’s’ situation and am so glad to see you 2 having a dialouge. Please, keep it up! I have such intense fellow feelings for what he is dealing with, but with no real way to assist. Thank you, DrJeff, for helping him!
Anyone that engages in affairs/cheating/adultery are actually doing Satan’s bidding. Satan does not want any to break free from his filth. Therefore,any one whose life is affected by this filth needs help from someone such as you.
Please, keep at it. The dialouge between the 2 of you is actually of priceless benefit to all of us who read your blog.
And, yes, your comments to the others is also very helpful……But, it seems that ‘itsbeen’ is the one here who needs you the most right now. Hang tough with him……
Love to all…………….