Although society is no longer in the time of Private Investigators like Philip Marlow, there is still a place for them when it comes to affairs. Although the cheater may hate being ‘investigated’, the P.I. may even help your marriage.
When you suspect that there is an affair, yet have no actual proof, a P.I. can often help you find the proof you need. Some cheaters make a game of not being honest and ‘coming clean’ about the affair until you have ‘proof’. It is a variation of the old game, “I will answer all your questions, you just have to ask the right questions”. They act as if nothing is going on, since you have no proof. If you do not have proof, then in the mind of the cheater, you are just being paranoid.
Since many cheaters pride themselves on how they think they are smarter than you, they play their game. In this game, they deny, deny, deny until there is proof. They will focus on ‘facts’ rather than emotions. Some even go so far as to deny the affair until you catch them ‘in the act’.
What often makes things worse is that when they suspect that you have someone investigating them, they begin making accusations about how you no longer trust them. They attempt making you the bad guy since you dare asking questions and dare investigating. Some cheaters are so adept, they turn your inquiries into the whole source of marital problems, totally dismissing the fact that they have been sleeping around for way longer than you have been investigating things.
Besides finding evidence of cheating, the private investigator is also useful for ‘validating’ the cheater’s story. When the both of you as a couple choose to work on your marriage, there are times you need proof that your spouse is doing what they say they are doing. When trust has been damaged, you need ‘proof’ that your spouse is telling you the truth about their activities.
This is where a P.I. becomes helpful again. During recovery, they can serve as an independent third party that can verify or not verify the cheater’s claims. They can find evidence of whether what the cheater is telling you is truthful or not. In this case, rather than destroy trust, they are vital to rebuilding it.
I often think of a line from the move “Entrapment” where Sean Connery said, “First you test, then you trust”. Although he was talking about a heist, the truth of his statement has applications for your marriage as well, especially during recovery. First you test, THEN you trust. If you put them in the wrong order, there will be trouble. Blind trust is no longer possible after there has been an affair.
Blind trust went out the window when the cheater abused it. You gave them something valuable, and they mishandled it. They used it against you.
The P.I. can help you build a new relationship, with a new type of trust-based foundation. One that is based on verifiable information. One that is that has communication rather than avoiding it. I go into more detail on this with the Trust Formula.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
